A New World.

Well yes, it is. On two levels. The first I’ll explain at the top of this post, the second at the bottom of it.

After the little “project” with Lane didn’t pan out — the interest from there seemed to quickly subside, under the impression of her everyday realities — I resigned back to thinking that I just need this endless amount of patience until one day, maybe, I shall miraculously meet that person who I can be with. And increasingly that was just getting to me. Because from a statistical point of view, that’s just very improbable. One thing seems to be getting clearer now: I like a very special kind of person enough to want to be with her, and the likelihood of that person to want to be with me is never really high. So by strictly looking at the odds, it’s clear that I need to do is meet/date lots of women, so I can ultimately find someone with whom the same thing happens that happened with Lane. Except, this time she lives here, and she’s single. But my reality is that I am meeting/dating no one. So my odds are slim, to say the least. Friends will still tell you comforting stuff about “it” happening when you “expect it the least”, or that there’s “a lid for every pot”, or whatever else people say to cheer you up. But looking at it rationally, I need to actively do something about it. And I wasn’t.

And then finally, I went back to the little family country house on the weekend after my birthday, with a friend. We stayed only a night, and hung out, and watched movies, and chilled. And it was incredibly nice to be in that space, and not alone with my thoughts. I really loved the way it felt to be able to share the house and spend some time there together with another human being. When we ended that trip and I got back to my home, I realised: My loneliness is real and it’s doing something bad to my life. I need to do something — I thought I could or had to wait for things to happen, but by doing that, I was simply depriving myself of happiness. It is true that you should be able to be content on your own, and I think I have gotten reasonably good at that. But I think it also makes sense to try and do something about loneliness.

So I came up with various ideas on what I could do — planning a trip, joining a club, forming a band, doing a number of things, and, yes, giving online dating one last try. I was convinced that online dating was simply not a good idea for me, so many attempts had failed, and left me sadder and even more lonely, and so I’d really given up on that. But then the weirdest thing happened: A dating platform that I had used over a year ago all of a sudden started working for me. They had tweaked the platform, I downloaded the app rather than using the website, I finally paid for the service in order to have all the features available, and suddenly, within two to three days of reactivating my account, I had two dates! Both with interesting women, one of whom I’d probably like to see again, and might, if she answers after a longer silence of mine (due to traveling, etc.). Tonight I have another date, I spoke several times on the phone with a woman who seems very interesting (not sure if that will go on, she seems a bit flaky at times), and on Monday I may yet have another date. It’s rather remarkable. I cannot say what the reason for this is, whether it has to do with me being a different, more settled person, whether it has to do with the way the platform now works, or with the fact that I am paying for it, or all of the above. But it does feel a little like a new world, at least in terms of my experience with online dating.

What else has been going on? Our film project has kept us on our toes — we are getting very good feedback from very different people, I am convinced: We are onto the right thing with what we are trying to do. I am realising at the same time that our ambition is high, and the task of telling a truly engaging story with this subject and material is challenging, but I think we will get there, with patient continued hard work and focus. Last week, we spent a day in Edinburgh to meet up with some of our protagonists there, and we also went to London, to meet a musician who will work on our film. A dutch film maker friend came to visit me, I’m one of the protagonists in his film, he spent a weekend here, and I helped him shoot some material for his film. On my birthday, I was once more (like last year) at this summer school week on economics, where I had gone last year already, and which really was the starting point for our film. This time around we went to film, and it was really good to be there, we got some really inspiring interviews out of it. And finally, our show project that was pretty much hibernating since last autumn, now has reawakened, and we are developing new stuff for it, and it is moving forward. None of this is making me any money (for now), but I am surprisingly unconcerned by that — the financial side will sort itself out, eventually.

And then there is another thing that makes this a new world. A summer in Europe that makes climate change palpable. Endless sunshine. Temperatures up to 37° Celsius. No end to the blue skies. Burning forests across the northern hemisphere. I did not think that a sunny summer could take on such a depressing, oppressing, violent feel to it. Anyone who is only remotely interested in the fate of our planet and our species must feel this, and must feel prompted into action by it. Yet so little is happening. Politics as bullshitty as usual. No outcry. No determined action. Just the steady slog of same old same old. Well, I am trying to do my share. Both the film project (a little more indirectly), and the show project (full on directly) are driven by and about climate change, and what to do about it. And I have the impression that this will stay with me until the end of my days. And we may (very likely) still fuck it all up tremendously because the powers at be are too [words fail me to properly address/name them] to yield to what needs to happen now.

Let’s keep our hopes up. What else can we do?

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Posted in Environment, Job, Relationship | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Travelling Near and Far.

I think I may be in love with someone a clean 10,000 km away … The week before last, Ian and I accompanied one of the protagonists of our documentary film to Central America, for a fashion conference. It was an incredible journey, and an incredible experience. For one, because it really helped us move our film project forward. We got great footage and interviews. Second, the people we met were quite amazing, and inspiring. And then also because I saw someone again whom I’d met four years ago, at SXSW in Austin. Lane and I, we had lunch and it was remarkable and sweet and made me happy and since then we’ve been writing Whatsapp messages, and it’s messing with me, and I don’t know what it means, and what to do.

Before we took off on that trip, I spent another weekend in Rome, to catch up with our protagonist there. It was good to catch up with him, after all the crazy stuff going on, surrounding the forming of the new Italian government. And I also managed to squeeze in a meeting with this women I’d met there, at the parliamentary building. I got her email address, and I managed to get her to meet me for a couple of hours before I had to take the plane back. It was really nice, and she seemed interested to come visit me in Berlin. But since then, communication has died down somewhat. And anyway, now I am thinking a lot more about Lane …

The show with Brandon and Mercer turned out surprisingly well … only for it to end afterwards in a superweird argument between Brandon and me, in which he talked to and abused me in ways that no one has ever talked to me before … since then, our relationship and friendship has pretty much collapsed.

Nana and her sister and girlfriend celebrated the sister’s birthday at my place in early May. It was very nice to have them here, at my new place, populating it a bit. Nana lost her job, I am hoping I can help her find a new job.

I threw Tinder off my phone … it just doesn’t do anything for me … A date every four months, thanks to it, and invariably dates that lead nowhere …

In the second half of May, we went on another trip to Scotland, also for our film. This time we had the chance to film at this working session of the people who are trying to put together this government initiative, and that was an awesome experience. We got really great material from that.

Politics … they’re not looking good these days. Trump is being Trump, of course. But in this country of mine, I am really upset with the idiotic way things are going. This country is fucking things up big time, and nobody seems to notice or care. It’s horrible.

But I am not fucked up anymore. I now have purpose and direction. And that incredibly helps me.

Posted in Job, Life, Politics | Tagged , , ,

The One Thing that Remains Is Change.

Last time I wrote, my title already said that everything is different. And again, after a month and a half later, it keeps on feeling like that. The most radical change may be that I have finally moved into my own apartment. It got finished at the end of March, so there was a bit of organising and moving to do. Overall, the task was not too monumental, because I had only a few belongings really at the shared flat where I had lived for 15 months, some other stuff was in storage, and many of the things that may tend to collect dust or aren’t needed in my everyday life are already stored away at the little country house. And the moving company gathered what was here in storage and in the flatshare, and brought it to my new place.

And Nana was incredibly kind and incredibly sweet, and she came over and helped me sort my stuff and unpack everything, for a whole day. That was so nice of her. She is just the best person.

Just when I got there and the dust had settled, I only realised how much furniture was still missing. I don’t want my place to be crammed with stuff, but I don’t really have any proper furniture left at all, so I had to start on a mission to find new things. This time, I wanted to avoid the old Ikea staple — I have spent most of my adult life living in Ikea-equipped places, and so I felt like it was time to do things differently. What I had to learn: The advantage of Ikea over other (much more expensive) places is that Ikea is not only much cheaper. They also provide instant gratification — you buy your stuff, schlep it home, set it up, and you have your furniture. If you go to more up-market places, they’ll tell you that the object you just found and would like to purchase can get delivered in 6-8 weeks. So there. Still haven’t bought anything at Ikea yet, but am still also waiting for quite a bunch of furniture.

Getting the kitchen was an adventure all unto its own, I switched providers, and the new kitchen came with its own set of complications — but I ended up with a kitchen that I really like, and that really fits nicely into the apartment. If the new stove does get delivered today, the way it was announced, I will actually have a fully functioning kitchen today.

Our projects are advancing, slowly but surely. Last week, we went on our second shoot to Italy. It wasn’t quite as intense as the last time around, but none the less stressful. The stress isn’t physical, as in “oh my god, we have to run to get to things in time”, but rather psychological: are we filming what needs to be filmed, are we thinking the right thoughts in terms of storytelling, are we clear on what we need to accomplish? Also I am realising again that Ian is as much a beginner in all of this as I am, and sometimes he lacks the presence of mind and/or the clarity of vision that a proper documentary cameraman would have. But that’s exactly why we can do this together — we are learning together.

The week before last was pretty crazy. We had four deadlines that week: One, on Tuesday night, there was a little internal presentation at the agency where we have our desks, and we wanted to present (among other things) the short film that we’ve been working on for over a year now. The key requirement was that Ian would get the music done which him and a friend of his had been working on for weeks. But I could tell that he didn’t want to, or couldn’t, or whatever else it was … and I was getting a bit frustrated with him. What finally did the trick was that I realised that we had to work together on stuff, particularly on the stuff where he gets stuck, because he doesn’t necessarily have the conceptual strength and the vision to see where projects need to go. So I helped him get unstuck, and we moved forward. I was still disappointed that the result wasn’t quite what I hoped it would be, in terms of level of “finished work”, but at least we could show it at the evening. The next day, Maik and I had a one-day workshop with a big foundation that will hopefully support our work with the anti-climate show, and that went very well. It was actually really fun. Ian was in the studio that day, recording with his band. And after that, we had two days to cut a trailer from our documentary material, because Lynn needed it for a big chance to apply for funding for our film. Getting that trailer done wasn’t easy, but we did it — pretty much in time before we had to go traveling to Italy, for that week of shooting there.

Generally speaking, I have a lot to learn still about how to manage someone like Ian in the daily context of our work. At times, I have been really frustrated with him. And there are other times when I am jealous of him and his social skills, and the many friends and dates and things he has going on. I think I just need to realise that I am a lot older, at a different lifestage, and a different person from him. And that I need to properly think about how to best manage an arty/musician personality like him in the context of a company.

Overall, my sense of doom and despair has lessened. I am not sure why, and I worry that it may come back — but maybe it’s just that I am clearly doing my best to have an impact, and make a change, and I see other people do the same, so what else is there to do? And the fact that summer is coming back and bringing light and life to the city is also very helpful. The new part of town I live in is really nice, too, it helps me feel more balanced and more at ease. I just wish I was further ahead with getting my place done. I don’t quite know how to get lights, and, once I have them, how to get them up — whom to ask for help. Dating? Nothing. I am dabbling with Tinder again, but it’s not helping any … few matches, and when there is a match, there’s never ever a meeting. Sometimes not even a conversation. And in the world, I am not really meeting interesting people. One exception was actually in Italy — I met someone there while we worked, it was a very brief encounter, I got her email address later, and asked her if she might want to have dinner with me one day. She answered to tell her when I am back so we can meet. Today she added me on Facebook. Yeah, so … the slim chances that there are (if that’s even a chance) are in far away places …

On Saturday, we are helping Brandon and Mercer put on their show. It doesn’t look like it’s going to be a success, and it doesn’t feel like the project we had been meaning to set out to do at the beginning of the year. Now we just have to muscle through …

Posted in City, Film, Job, Politics | Tagged , , , , , ,

Two And A Half Months Of Everything Different.

Last time I wrote around Christmas time. Things have changed a lot since then. After the New Year’s holiday with the family bunch in the Alps, I returned home, to start my new professional life together with Ian, at our company. We began on January 8th, and started working side by side in our new office. At first, things were a bit new and slightly strange — working next to someone whom I’m paying, yet without any clear source of revenue. But it was so nice to suddenly have an office to go to, and a friendly face there, with whom I’d be working side by side. And it is so good to build something meaningful, entirely based on what we think is right.

Some things still require some getting used to, for instance the balance between Ian’s “mentally being there”, actively working on stuff, focused, and what level of social-media-induced mental absence is acceptable, or even necessary — for someone like Ian who is so connected with people, and such an active networker. And who, once he finds a project that needs a lot of attention, will work deep into the night, obsessively, getting stuff done. Or the issue of driving to work rather than using public transport. The idea was that I would go to the office with public means, but then there is so often gear to transport, or there are errands to run in the city. And then that is an excuse to use the car.

After the first month which we’d spent sitting in the office most of the time, we started traveling — Ian needed to get some stuff from his home, furniture and also audio equipment, and so we rented a truck and drove up north. It was a really intense trip, because we combined that with shooting the first footage for a massive documentary film project that we have started working on. It will be the biggest project for us this year, and we even got Lynn to join us, as our producer. It’s incredibly exciting, but also incredibly demanding and challenging. But we’ve got such amazing access to some people that we cannot not do it. And it is also about a cause I firmly believe in — it’s the answer to my political quest that I began in 2016. Only a few days after we’d returned from Scotland, we then drove down to Italy. There we spent a week together with Gianfranco, he is a political candidate in the Italian election, and he is connected with the people whom we interviewed in Scotland. We stayed with his parents and had an absolutely incredible week there. It’d be way too much to describe here, I’ll cover that in other places, and in other ways. And it will end up in our documentary, of course. The end of the trip was marked by Ian returning by plane (we compensated CO2 emissions for that trip), and I returned with the electric car, a trip that took me two days, and allowed me to stay for a night with relatives in the north of Italy. I had a horrible experience on the way back — at one of the charging stations, I found a dead bird on the front of my car. Crying, in the dark, in the snow, I buried it. It was an unexpected shock, and I think I decided there and then that I am not going to eat any more meat.

More things happened, a whole bunch more. I was flirting with a Tinder contact — in South America … At some point, it began to feel like too much, and not right, and I had to stop it. We are trying to move ahead with our show with Maik, but it’s slow going. Today I’m travelling to a meeting about that, who knows, maybe that will help us make progress. Ian and I are developing a comedy show, together with Brandon, and his friend Mercer. It’s a little hard, sometimes, to justify the investment in that project while we have so much else going on, but at the same time it’s good to focus on silly fun when there’s so much political stuff going on. Yesterday, I had to leave the office at mid day and go home and rest. The past three weekends were filled with work, and I was just burned out and needed a break.

I was incredibly happy about the documentary project, when we were in the thick of it, and working on it, and pushing it forward. I felt like I had finally found my new calling, after two years of looking for it. But then last weekend, our meeting with Lynn dampened my enthusiasm somewhat — I realized how much work there is still to do, and how steep the challenge. Now the job is to bring that enthusiasm and optimism back, and roll the sleeves up and enter into the next phase of developing it.

And I am convinced, we’ll get there. I think we can make a great film.

Posted in Job | Tagged , , , , , ,

The Year I Took The Red Pill.

Let’s make no mistake — objectively speaking, my life situation is absolutely enviable. I live in one of the most stable Western democracies, I have enough money to not have to work for quite a while, my parents and I are all healthy (as far as we know), and yes, even though I am single without wanting to be, I don’t have an ex-wife who’s making my life miserable, and there are no children who have to split their time between a distant parent and me. Every day I am doing pretty much precisely what I want, and for the coming year I have hired someone for my little company, who I love working with, and with whom I can carry out the projects that I want, and even if we don’t make a dime of income all year we can still keep doing what we’re doing for the whole year, because those budgets have been set aside. I have bought a beautiful apartment which I will move into in a few weeks, and the budgets for furniture and the kitchen are solid, and will allow me to create a space that will be really nice to live in. In other words, from a “Let’s look at the average situation of all of mankind”-point of view, I probably belong to a tiny percentage of people who have it all, pretty much.

Yet my year was really hard.

And that’s because this was the year I stopped looking away. It was the year when the state of the world, and mankind’s disastrous effects on the planet and all living beings on it, and our obscene behaviour towards each other really hit me.

In other words, this was the year when I took the red pill.

And there is no undoing that.

Which is why what sounds amazing in the introductory paragraph does not feel quite as amazing in my life. Because even though I may have had success, and I am one of the lucky ones, how great can that be — when I realize at the same time?: The world you live in is entirely broken, and it’s not through fairness or justice that you are where you are, and others are where you are not, and the haves and have-nots are not divided by a fence of achievement, or a moat of greatness, but by heaps and heaps of inequality and fear and injustice and crime. And besides, this world which I have (somewhat) succeeded in is on a collision course with the very survival of humanity, and of most species that make this planet the marvel that it is. Or rather: Used to be.

This was the realization that hit me this year. And it hit me with a vengeance.

I spent much of this year in some form of depression. Not the “I cannot get out of bed”-kind. But the kind that puts a constant cloud over your head.

In the last two to three weeks, things have gotten a bit better, slowly but steadily. I have begun to realize emotionally (not just rationally, rationally is not enough) that life happens on two levels. One is the mundane everyday level, and we can only stay sane if on that level we keep our spirits up and enjoy the small and the ordinary and the beautiful and the human. On that level, we cannot solve the problems of the world, and we cannot keep allowing them to enter. Because then life becomes meaningless and dark.

And then there is the strategic level. Here, my means and my position and my abilities force me to somehow try and have an impact. I am not allowed to sit back and chill and not care and carry on regardless. I cannot and I must not.

But this necessitates a plan that allows me to move the needle, to have an impact, to effect change — because if I don’t, the frustration becomes too big, too depressing, too heavy. My project with Maik felt like it could be that plan for a while. I am not so sure right now, we’re still searching for the right way forward, but I am hoping we will find it. And there are other projects that I am pursuing, and I am hoping that one or more of them will have an impact, and help create change.

What change have I helped create this year? Not as much as I would have wanted to, but still some I can be happy about: Our show was seen by 200 people, and I am sure that every one of them must have felt something, and for every one of them, their sense of how to live better lives and how to help save our planet must have gotten a boost from that show. My blogging and online writing and online videos must have also affected people. Maybe another 800? (One of my videos was seen over 30,000 times.) So let’s say I made a change with 1,000 people this year — that is better than nothing.

Let’s see what I can do next year.

And let’s also not forget: I am not alone. There are thousands of us. Millions.

What else happened in the last month and a half, since I last wrote? I had some dating unhappiness — one woman, for example, I’d been on two dates with her, but then she told me she saw only friendship as a possibility. But also another promising encounter now towards the end of the year — I met someone at a party, and that felt promising, and we want to follow up on this early in the new year. Then, we had a rather remarkable editing weekend with Brandon, Ian and Chuck in the little country house. And that got a little out of hand because Muffins with some weed in it were had; it was my first time, so I thought I would be the one who’d create funny outcomes for everyone else, but ultimately Chuck had a paranoid episode which really kind of messed with all of us … And yes, I did sign the paperwork for buying that apartment, and the man who’s building it for me continues to be an absolute delight, and I am more than convinced that I am doing the right thing buying it. I am working with a kitchen planner who’s going to cutom-build my kitchen for me. And I am having a big long dining table also made to order by a guy. Further, I have tried helping an association in Scotland that’s trying to organize a new and alternative economic summit that I am very excited about. Then, I have joined Brandon’s comedy night as their “in-house” musician, which I am very happy about. And I have formalized my agreement with Ian, to have him join my company, so we can truly join forces at the beginning of next year. I also attended my political party’s national convention in early December, which was incredibly interesting, because of the strange political situation which we currently have in Germany. And I reconnected with my old friend Joe, who’s more often in town now, and it makes me really happy to see him more often. Also, my relationship with Nana has gotten stronger this year — she has truly become my little sister, and one of my best friends, and a source of lots of light and happiness in my life. And she gave me the most amazing advent calendar this year! Improv has moved a little to the side, but I am still pursuing it, with the odd course here and there, and with a small group that has formed to try monoscene work.

It has been an intense year.

And now I am with my parents, and it’s the first time in a long time that I came home and was not afraid of a Christmas that would be sad because I don’t have a family of my own. This year, I am coming and just want to have Christmas with them, and be happy about them, and: Me with them, and that is all. It’s not easy sometimes to spend extended amounts of time with them, but it’s not easy for most children and their parents, and we’ll make the best of it, and they are amazing at 80 and 81, and so I am really hoping that it will be a beautiful Christmas. And that I can forget the red pill for only a few days, and also have a happy New Year’s skiing trip with the group I traveled with last year (I even bought new ski boots for the trip!), and then after that, in the new year, I’ll face the problems of the world and my evolving life, head-on.

And I will find a girl-friend next year. I am fairly certain of that. It’s a gut-feeling that I’ve been having for a couple of weeks now.

Posted in Family, Life, Politics, Relationship, Travel | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Trucking Along.

Throughout the month of October, I was mostly busy editing the film of the show that we had done at the end of September. We filmed it with three cameras, and I took it upon myself to cut that into something watchable. And right when I was done with that, I took all the material and made a little one-and-a-half minute trailer about the show, too, so we can get people a taste of what it all looked like, and what we talk about, without giving too much away. It was a lot of work, but the end result was really not bad at all, and I got some praise from people who are experts and professionals, so that felt good. I’m entirely self-taught when it comes to editing, so it was nice to see that I’d made some progress there.

We really needed that trailer, to now work on building on the premiere of the show – which we’re doing in two ways: One, we’re trying to find new locations that will have us, to perform there. And two, we’re now starting to look for financing. I realized that we’ll go nowhere with this unless we manage to secure some funding from large institutions that are aligned with our cause.

My dating hasn’t really produced any results, there are dates or encounters every now and again, but somehow they never seem to go anywhere. But I think it’s just a matter of time. What’s important now, and I’ve only remembered this recently, that I find a fulfilling plan for my life again, which does not rely on any woman in it, to make it worth the while, but rather have a full life with lots of challenges and fun and good stuff happening just because I am embracing life and doing things, and working on stuff. So that I can be more detached and not get so hung up about whomever I meet, or I may have a date with. I am too often simply not relaxed enough when it comes to this, and that’s something I need to learn. And I think I can, and I think I am.

One encounter was kind of funny – I had an OKCupid date one afternoon, which was so so, but then during the date a conversation with the waitress began, and I kind of lingered afterwards, and chatted with her, and got her phone number, and since then I’ve been coming to the cafe for a couple of times, but nothing else really happened so far.

Yesterday and today, I’m at my parents’, just to visit. They’re doing better, my mother was very much struggling with depression for the last months, but it seems like things may be getting better.

And I am now laying out the plan for next year: I’ll focus on two main projects – building the show concept together with Maik, and building my company by joining forces with Ian. I think that’s a good set-up, and I’ll calmly see at the end of 2018 if that is working out or not. And then also, my own apartment is now apparently becoming a reality – it’s moving ever nearer its completion, and the date with the notary will probably be fixed soon. If all things go according to plan, I will be able to move in in February / early March. And so now I have started dealing with the whole furniture situation as well – Kal is being incredibly helpful with this, he is helping me get inspiration and a feel for what kind of furniture to get. He is into that kind of thing, and he’s an incredibly good friend when it comes to getting motivated for that, and figuring out what to buy. I want to avoid the whole “Ikea standard move”, and get my furniture elsewhere instead, and yesterday him and I spent a few hours looking at stuff. It’ll be a lot of work, and it’s a bit daunting, but it will be really nice once it’s done!

Posted in Family, Friendship, Job, Relationship | Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

After the Show.

It’s hard to summarize what happened in the last weeks. It’s been so long ago that I last wrote, middle of August. That feels almost like a lifetime away (only slightly exaggerated …).

From the middle/end of August onwards, we entered the hot phase of development and preparation for the political event that Maik and I had started preparing about a half-year ago. In early September, we spent four days at the country house, to get the bulk of the show put together in a single presentation document. When we came out of those four super-intensive days – day and night nothing but that project, in really close quarters with the very intense Maik (and me being no less intense) – I really had a bit of cabin fever. And then we had one more week to prepare the actual show, in other words: finalize everything, rehearse, bring all the moving parts together and make the whole damn thing happen. On the last night before the show, I was really worn out and depressed. Working with Maik was and is hard, we are not easy on each other, there is often tension and friction. And that really wore me out. Luckily, the show itself went incredibly well. It was a lot of fun, and we really did a good job, really proved to ourselves and to our audience (the house was sold out!) that we can deliver something new and fresh and helpful. So in that respect, it ended up very gratifying. Afterwards, there was a sense of relief. I had been struggling so much with the disastrous state of the world, and the catastrophe that mankind is in the process of creating, and with my being part of it, and my inability to come to terms with it. But the show itself then seemed to be the very thing that I needed to come to terms with these problems. It liberated me. There was a real sense of relief afterwards. Two days later we had the general election in Germany, with some fairly disastrous consequences and fucking 13% for the neonazis. But still, since then I feel I’m on the right path, and I understand what my contribution needs to be.

Nana and her new boy-friend came for the show, too, and I was happy to see her, and he seems like a nice person, and it was really sweet that they came over for the show. And my parents came, too!

The following evening, Brandon’s girl-friend celebrated her birthday, and I was there with Ian, and it was really fun, and it felt like for the first time in months I knew how to be relaxed and even flirt a little, and just hang out and chill. That’s actually mostly what’s been happening since the show, I’ve been chilling, recharging the batteries. I’ve been alone a lot, and sometimes lonely, but even my online-dating (which I usually abandon and then only pick up again in very sad moments, which is a bad idea) seems to produce some more interesting results, now that my profile seems to show that I have found my place in life again. I haven’t met anyone yet, but it’s really the first time that I’m getting responses from women who seemed really interesting based on their profiles. Who knows, maybe there’ll be a date or two this week. (That Sicily holiday idea that I mentioned in my last posting went absolutely nowhere, by the way.)

Funny enough, I even felt the urge to buy some clothes. The other day I went out and bought some flashy sneakers (and got compliments for them just the next night!), and some other clothes, too. Maybe I’ll be more into taking care of my looks, now, too.

Also, I’m thinking about simply hiring Ian. We get along so incredibly well, working with him on the sounds for the show (which we did) went totally well, and was a lot of fun, and I am fairly convinced that we can build some business working together. And that would liberate him from the drab nine-to-five job that he currently has, and we could work on all the fun projects that we want to work on. I am in the process of trying to figure out how much that would cost, and how we could pull it off.

A week before our show, I travelled across the country to see Steve’s new theatre piece. It was, once again, an incredible piece of work, and it really impressed me, because of the heart and the passion and the sense of justice and courage that spoke from it. Him and Ursula couldn’t unfortunately come and see our show because they had booked their holiday then, but I am hoping to be able to show them the recording of our show.

This week will also be slow, there is a holiday tomorrow, so lots of people are out of town, including Maik and Ian. This morning I read in an email that a guy I went to university with died earlier this year, from a stomach ulcer. I cannot really believe that.

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