I had a horrible night and a fairly bad day. Last night, I was in a telephone conference from hell. It was about the future of our company, it involved external consultants, the stakes are fairly high, and it was all a bit chaotic and tiring. It was supposed to end around 7 PM, but it went on until half past 10. By that time, my throat had begun to ache again, I felt that I wasn’t getting the sleep I needed, so that I could get better, and I was just frustrated and tired. I ate too late – soup that M had made – and then tried to go to sleep.
And couldn’t sleep. Kept tossing and turning. And just couldn’t sleep. Which upset me because I really need rest, to finally get better. But the reason for my sleeplessness was not the phone conference. It was that before leaving to go out at night, M had told me that it was some sort of date. And even though we’re no longer in a relationship, I kept waiting for her to come home. And when it got later and later, I started thinking she might be spending the night with someone, and that upset me, and I was irritated by myself – by the fact that I let that upset me (Hadn’t I been happy about the way things are only recently? Why was this bothering me? It shouldn’t be?!). And I kept going in vicious circles, and it got later and later, and the later it got, the more I was upset that I wasn’t resting and recovering, and the more I kept thinking that she was sleeping someplace else, and the more absurd I felt, and it just got worse and worse.
Finally, I didn’t know what else to do and I sent her a text message, at around two in the morning. To which she responded quickly – that she was still at the concert she had been going to with a number of people. And I sent a couple more messages saying that I felt our arrangement with the shared flat wasn’t working. And that I needed to talk to her about this in the morning. How absolutely idiotic to make something like that the subject of a text message exchange. I just needed to do something, and didn’t know what. I did eventually fall asleep though. However, these messages, in turn, put her in an awful state – which I hadn’t anticipated, somehow, I thought she was doing great, she seemed so happy and easy-going these past days. But apparently an important factor for that was the fact that she was staying with me. She did then – because she was upset by my texts – spend the night with hardly any sleep at a friend’s place, and came back in the morning, by which time I’d sent her apologetic text messages, and hated myself, and then explained why I’d been like that. Which she understood, but still the whole thing really shook her up, and scared her.
I am sorry about this. Yet it is difficult to share a place with your ex, and have separate lives but also sharing your lives in a way. I wish I had been stronger last night.