I somehow feel like I’m in some sort of a twilight zone. I think I am doing my job pretty much alright. So much so that I do feel the need of being there and carrying my share of the burden, because my share is actually and really mine. No one else to do that. At the same time, I feel constantly and exhaustingly under pressure, in a way that creeps into my sleep. I have really intensive and engaging dreams, and when I wake up from them, I feel stressed because I don’t know if I can pull it all off. I am, surprisingly, really happy on my own. I actually don’t – deep down honestly with myself – yearn for a partner these days. And I love that. But I still can’t manage to enjoy my life. I think ultimately, the problem may be that I am doing a job that I am really good at, but which I don’t enjoy. Or enjoy less and less.
At the beginning of the week I was so stressed that I felt I needed to do something again, maybe tell my colleagues about it, hit a brake somewhere, I don’t know. I did mention something to Tone, but not really in depth. Instead, I took the Wednesday morning off. I did some emailing and other stuff really early, but then went to the fitness studio for two hours. I hadn’t gone for weeks and weeks, and I was so relieved that I had finally made myself go. There would have been no other way, I wouldn’t have found the time for another week and a half or so, so it had to be on Wednesday morning. I could fit it into the schedule, and so I did it. That was great – the sun was shining and I felt like I was properly living my life. In the evening, I was supposed to see Axl, but he had to cancel because of his job. I didn’t really mind, I thought that gave me an evening to work on my animation. But then the afternoon progressed with lots of work stuff, and it kind of petered out at the end, with lots of loose ends. I couldn’t quite commit to an evening of free time, like I could have if I had seen my friend, but I didn’t want to keep working. But somehow I also didn’t feel like doing the animation stuff anymore either. So I ended up in some sort of limbo place in front of the TV, working half-assed on a specific thing in my animation that I couldn’t get to work the way I wanted it.
I don’t know, these days are strange. Tiring and strange. I am somewhere between here and there. I finally know, for the first time in my life, who I am. I think. But my job keeps me from actually being that person. And I can’t just quit because I own shares in the company, and I am a member of a team.
Tonight I am sitting in a hotel in Mühlheim, giving a speech tomorrow. Still have a pile of stuff to take care of before I can give my speech. Will go to bed pretty soon and get up really early.