The foul mood I was in when I posted my last entry didn’t really last, but this holiday week was not quite the way I would have liked it to be. The hockey game had been fun. Here is a picture.
But that night, when was writing my angry blog post, I felt really shitty. One theory I had: I had not been eating any meat for five-six weeks now, and I was concerned that I was just lacking iron or proteins, and that that was making me feel so bad. I really wanted something to change and went to the restaurant down the street and had a big Wiener Schnitzel. And I also changed my resolve to not drink any more alcohol (I don’t need alcohol, I don’t like alcohol, and I mostly only drink it for social reasons, which is bullshit), and ordered a whiskey, purely out of spite.
I went to bed, and felt much better the next day. Goes to show that one needs to have a balanced diet, and eat meat at least every now and then. I still want to run on a vegeterian mode mainly, but I will have meat every once in a while.
On Monday, I went off holiday for one more day, because I had to do one task that I owed to a colleague, I couldn’t leave her without it, so I used the day to work out this presentation guideline for her, sent it through, talked to her on the phone about it, and took care of a couple more things. In the evening, I picked up my friend Caren at the central station. I’d seen her again her a while ago, now she was coming to town for more than a week (staying at her relatives’), and I wanted to see where it might go. We hung out for a while, had dinner, and then I drove her to her cousin’s place. I still find her hot, but still no sparks.
On Tuesday, I was busy at home, taking care of a number of things that needed taking care, and I also had another call to make, for about 45 minutes, and then met up with Caren to go to an art exposition, and to take a walk in a park in the western part of town. We had dinner at a Thai restaurant (where I’d actually once been with M and other people, during those first strange days when I met her, all the way at the beginning in 2008), and then actually rented “This Is Spinal Tap” which I had never seen and wanted to find out about. We were a little disappointed, it was not as entertaining as I had thought it might be.
On the way to driving her back to her cousin’s, we stopped at a bar that overlooks the city, to get the view and have a nightcap. I was feeling a little ill at ease – not quite knowing how to behave with her. The situation was a little strange – there was clearly some attraction between us, but there were also very clearly some fairly massive roadblocks in the way of any form of real relationship. At least I couldn’t see one happening. And I couldn’t quite make out how she felt. And as we were seated there above the city, we actually started talking about what had been going on years ago, and what was going on now. And about casual sex. I told her that I thought it was always an extremely difficult thing to do, never quite knowing how the other person might feel, and what the other person might expect. She was extremely and surprisingly clear about these things, and said that in her own mind she had always seen things between us as casual. I found that strangely comforting and arousing at the same time. You don’t often have a situation in which two people seem to really agree on this. Despite this agreement, I still drove her back to her cousin’s place – she had decided originally that she wanted to “wean herself from sex” because she doesn’t have a relationship right now. She finds it really hard to desire and not to regularly have sex, but at the end of the evening things weren’t so very clear anymore … There was some kissing etc. There may be more meetings this week, let’s see what happens.
On Wednesday, I had yet one more work-related call, and in the afternoon, I met with Caren, to see the Neue Museum. Afterwards, we had a little rest on the lawn, and then I soon left, to meet up with Drew again. This time, he was helping me record a piece that we’d once already recorded last year. On the 2nd of December, Kal and I had met at Drew’s studio, to record a piece that I had written in the previous months. It was a solo piece, only for electric guitar. I had written it under the very heavy influence of being very much in love with a colleague of mine, Indira. It was one of my better musical efforts, Drew had helped me tweak and improve it, and when I said he was ready to record it, I knew that it wasn’t so bad. The – failed, so far – love story about Indira must be told another time. What’s more important: we recorded it on the night of the day my brother died. Of course, I was not aware of this at that time. Kal had joined to video-record, so we could turn it into a music video as well. He brought fairly large amounts of gear and turned it into quite a production. When we left the studio close to midnight, and just as I was about to give Drew a ride back to his place, I listened to my voice mail. My parents had left a message, asking me to call them, and that it was about my brother. He was in a coma at that time, I was thinking about when and how to go see him, so I knew there were bad news. And indeed, when I called my parents, they told me that he had died. His heart had not been able to take the strain anymore. I went to the place M was living in at the time (we had already separated), to cry in her arms.
And the piece we had recorded had my brother’s death in it, in a way. There was a technical problem, the spring reverb in the old Fender amp that we used, was broken, but we had somehow not taken the problem seriously during the session, yet afterwards it had turned out that the noise was simply too loud to ignore in the recording. And after a couple of weeks of trying to convince myself that this was the way the recording was supposed to be, I finally realized that we needed to record it again. I had been meaning to give it to Indira before Christmas. Of course, now I couldn’t, and was finally glad that I hadn’t.
Drew and I met on Wednesday at his new studio, on the ground floor of the apartment house that he lives in (the whole house actually belongs to his mother), and we re-recorded the piece. It went fairly fast, we had met at around 6 PM, and we were done at 9. Then I went to have dinner with him and his girl-friend. On the way there, I found a text message on my cell – from Indira. Her father had died extremely suddenly and without any warning three or four weeks ago, and as far as I knew, she was still in a very bad place. I called her right back, and she really was not very well. Because of how she felt, she asked me to get out of a professional appointment that I had made for her, and then we ended up talking for quite a while. It was very personal, and I was just trying to be soothing, and to tell her things that might help her. After I’d seen her a week ago, or so, at a business meeting and really enjoyed seeing her then, the connection I felt seemed to come right back tonight, and my feelings for her were very much rekindled. It was my fault, I could have waited with that call until the next day, when she would have composed herself, but I didn’t.
On Thursday, I took a train to my parents. I wanted to spend part of the Easter holidays with them. That evening, we just hung out in the kitchen, they told me all about their recent trip to Israel. On Good Friday, we hiked up the Brocken (nothern Germany’s highest mountain, 1,142 m), which I’d never been on, which we now finally did together. My parents did the 9 km walk quite well, considering that they’re now in their mid-seventies. In the evening, I watched “Casino Royal” on the TV with my father. That same night, I also learned thanks to a text message that M had won the scholarship that she’d gone to the US for – which was amazing miraculous news, and which made me really happy for her. On Saturday, we just hung out; in the afternoon, we took a walk around our little country cottage, in the evening we had dinner at one of our favourite restaurants. And at 10 at night, I took the train back to Berlin.
Even though this is probably the most relaxed way one can spend a couple of days, I still was nervous and edgy, somehow. I didn’t let my parents know that, which I am very happy about. I am usually fairly thin-skinned around them. But I wasn’t my relaxed self. I think it’s because my thinking about Indira had shaken me from my very complacent and extremely pleasant “I don’t need a girl-friend right now”-mode. When I think of her, I just want to be there and help her, and make her feel good. And this urge to be with someone is somehow always stronger when I am at my parents’. Also, I am bothered by my work, by the fact that I am taking two holidays, one right after the other. I was happy to be back at my place last night. Here, I feel more in control.
Today, I worked on the animation project that I started with Drew, had brunch with Rum, had yet another job related phone call, and wrote all this. Now I am about to go for a run – I haven’t been exercising in weeks … months?! Then I’ll pick up the mixdown of our recording from Drew, and then I have a date with Caren.