Haven’t been feeling to well lately. I am slowly reverting to my old pattern, which is about resenting my loneliness. I cannot quite find back to my “I’m on my own and boy it’s really cool that way”-mode. I wish I could. But currently I am fairly down, wondering how on earth I am ever supposed to find someone to be with. I know this feeling all too well, but for a time I thought I could escape it for good. I was really inspired by a number of things and projects, and thought I would just hold my head high and do my stuff, until I find someone who belongs, and to whom I belong. But currently, I find that spirit a little hard to muster up.
Some of it also has to do with the fact that it seems M’s new relationship is really getting more important and stronger. And I find that a little bit difficult to stomach. As long as I felt that she wasn’t so sure what she was doing, I didn’t feel so alone. But this does make me feel alone now.
Last week was kind of remarkable in that I had no outside appointments, and could work from home all week – which I love, in theory. So I was looking forward to that, but it was really terrible – phone calls from the office and emails just kept pouring in, and I was really distracted and over-whelmed at times. I really hated that. I had been looking forward to that week, and wanted to get stuff out of the way, and that failed miserably. Maybe that’s also why I am not so happy. The job is fine, otherwise, I cannot really complain. I think we’re approaching a fairly crucial decision about the company, a decision which has been two years in the making. Not easy, but I think we’re doing the right thing.
Monday of last week, I read at a reading that “Internet buddies” of mine were organizing. I read a really old text, from 2003. I think I rushed it, was reading too fast. But I am still so new to that whole thing, so I guess that’s okay. On Thursday I met with Axl, we spoke about a project that we’re planning for the fall. I’ll help his company on a trip, and do Social Media stuff for them. I’m taking my holidays to do that, it’s going to be amazing. Last weekend, finally, Drew and I went out to my parents’ cottage and had a “relaxation and work” weekend. We spent Saturday pretty much hanging out, enjoying the quiet. And on Sunday, we worked on our animation project. We made good progress, but it was also really exhausting. On Saturday, we had dinner with my parents, and it was a little awkward, Drew hardly talked, and my father talked a little too much.
I just cannot deal with this idea that my parents keep getting older, and I cannot give them grandchildren. It really kills me.
It’s Wednesday night, I am on the train, on my way over to my parents again. I’ll spend tomorrow at the cottage again – learning from last week I’ll be offline, so I can really focus on a piece of work that I absolutely need to do.