We got heat at the company. Heat from a client. And that is rattling at the foundations of the system. And that is a good thing. I have been worried, unhappy, insecure about certain aspects of our work for the longest time. Now they have been openly questioned. And it forces us to re-evaluate, change and adapt things, and most importantly: to do research. And to become better at what we do. I think my job is going to change significantly in the coming months. And that is a good thing. Because I need my job to change.
I went to see a dermatologist on Wednesday. He looked me straight in the eye and said “If I look at you the way you are sitting there, I would say that you’re headed straight for a Burn-Out.” I think it was good for me to hear that. The sweating, I know, is nothing about organs and actual illness. It is solely related to stress. If I can change my job now – and the recent developments will force me to, I will be able to deal with two things at the same time: with my on-going health issues, and with my unhappiness with the work I do. This week is a week of realization that a mental relaunch is necessary. I think I can do it. I hope I can do it.
I met my friend Chriz on Tuesday night. He is such a great friend, and such an inspiring mind. On Thursday night, I went back to the cottage. Really thankful for it. On Friday night, we did a little belated birthday party with my parents for me. It was sweet, and I was happy about it. But then somehow we manoeuvered into one of these fights again, where things that my mother is saying are so upsetting me that I am shouting at the top of my lunge. There is no rational way to explain it. It’s extremely strange, and hard to understand. Gladly, we made up later. Back at the cottage that night, I felt like I was a bad person.
This life is strange. It doesn’t quite feel like it fits me. But I may be on a path to better times.