I saw B today. We met at 2 PM, at the subway station. I took her in my arms. She smiled at me. An awkward yet very sweet smile. We started walking until we were close to my house and went into the Italian restaurant. When we had settled in, we started chatting. And talked in a very nice way, and with smiles and laughter, for quite a while. I finally took her hand. And then we began speaking about what was going on. It turned out that in our busy lives, she just felt overwhelmed by the way we were trying to fit nightly stay-overs into these packed days, and she was so worried about disappointing me whenever she couldn’t do it, and couldn’t muster the energy to be with me the way she thought I needed it. And so I began talking, about how I felt we had been rushing things too much in the beginning, and how I also felt that we needed to rather focus on days when we can really spend quality time together, proper dates, which we would prepare with care, and not just trying to see each other because we “had to”, because we have a relationship. I reassured her that — despite her worries — being with her had been such a blessing for me. Which it really has. These last weeks and months were the most productive and most happy that I have been in a long time. We agreed to calm things down a bit, and to give each other space to breathe.
It was really good.
I drove her across town to where she was picking up her niece. We held and kissed each other for quite a moment in the car, before she got out.
And I have been positively serene ever since. A changed person from the miserable way I was these last two days.
The only thing that annoys me about myself: when I thought she was really breaking up with me I started emailing everyone who knew about her, and told them about it. It’s a strange way of coping, of trying to make it real so I can’t escape from it anymore. I even emailed Caren. Now I somehow need to undo that again, by relativising what I have written. I hope that’s a lesson to not rush decisions like that anymore.