I was in Argentina. Doing lots of “gigs” for our company there, also speaking at a really big conference. My colleagues were really nice, as always, but for three reasons I did not have a good time.
One, B. I just kept thinking and worrying. I am the worrying type when relationships are on slightly rocky roads, and I just kept wanting to be in touch and connecting, just to mask or ease my own damn insecurity. But we hardly communicated at all because she had spontaneously prolonged her stay for a week, and so she was pretty much out of touch (rare text messages being the exception), and my own worries and insecurity were eating my up.
Two, the job. I am in the process of distancing myself from this job, looking for something else, and yet I was there to be motivational and inspiring and a source of new ideas … How do you do that when you feel different on the inside … ? An awkward situation.
Three, the visit itself. I get to travel to Argentina, and I actually had (or could’ve had) quite some spare time, yet I somehow couldn’t manage to get the energy up and go and see things. This is already the second time that I’ve been to Buenos Aires, and it’s the second time that I didn’t quite manage to do stuff on my own, and do some exploring. I don’t know why, but I feel somehow tied down and unable to move … I ended up watching silly American sitcoms in my hotel room on two evenings … Also, because I was tired a lot. I am convinced that I don’t usually suffer from jetlag, but somehow I did end up fairly tired a lot of the time.
I don’t know, this was not a good week. And mainly for reason number one … That made my trip back today miserable, too. Whenever I was connected, I was waiting for answers, and not really getting them. Or feeling like I wasn’t getting them. And when I finally do get them, things seem okay. I am seeing her tonight. It seems all good. But that’s no way to be a self-assuming confident partner in a relationship! I was being a whiney sissy, and not the confident man who will be sure about the role he has to play in this thing. It’s not good to dislike onself.