The relationship with B is over. On Monday night, I was at the Bob Dylan concert in Berlin, but I just had to keep thinking about B, and about her being so distant, and I got so frustrated and scared and worried and hurt that I left after the first song of the encore, before the concert was over, and tried to call her (unsuccessfully), and then called my friend Kal, and he said I could come over to talk, and when I hung up I found an email of B’s in my inbox that I had been waiting for, but that was so matter-of-fact, and so loveless, and so not what I wanted that I was screaming and shouting and yelling and crying inside my helmet as I rode my motorbike over to Kal’s, because I knew, and I got up to his place and just screamed and cried and hyper-ventilated and just couldn’t take it anymore. And he let me cry my heart out, bless him bless him, and I texted B and told her I had to see her. I hardly slept that night, and kept thinking about what to tell her, and the next morning, I did a little bit of work, but then kept thinking about what to tell her, and finally went to the park and just walked around for two hours, rehearsing what I wanted to tell B.
And finally at 1 PM, we met. And I told her everything I wanted to tell her, in exactly the ways I wanted to, and how much I loved her in all my ways and in all her ways, little and big, and that it was pouring out of me, and that I couldn’t help it, and that I couldn’t keep the distance. And while I had hoped that this might move her, or make her cry, or make her laugh, or make her hug me, it didn’t, and she didn’t say much at all. And I don’t want to describe the full conversation, just that she was cold, or appeared cold, but sad, very sad, too. She did take my hand, but to console, not to connect. And the essence is that while she believes we have a connection unlike any other connection she’s ever had with anyone, she has too many doubts about all the fights and about the things that don’t work between us that she simply cannot live a relationship with me. Not now. She is not saying ‘never’, but she cannot and won’t make me wait.
And today I know that it really couldn’t have gone on this way. And that I need to get away, to feel better again. And I will. And last night, I met an ex girl-friend of mine from more than a decade ago, and it was fun and light and enjoyable, and she is a great friend now, and she reminded me of other things. And today I am looking toward the future, and even though I am scared and lonely, I am also a good person and I need to move on.