There is a lot of fear. And anxiety. And a rush of activity towards things that I hope will make me feel better. And less alone. Like signing up with couchsurfing.org, or trying online dating again, or planning trips and doing things that I hope will broaden my ways of connecting with people, and — ultimately — lead me to someone significant with whom things will be different. And good.
But it’s not coming from a position of strength. It’s coming from weakness and fear.
I am not really well. Just trying to keep afloat. I have trouble with the job sometimes (which I am thinking about in more fundamental terms anyway). I can’t be motivated, I can’t concentrate the way I should.
I am trying to see good friends more, or just going over to their place for shelter. But the sadness is deeper than that.
And it’s not the sadness about B being gone, I think. The more I think about it, the more I know that she was not a good person for me. There were too many things that weren’t working. She was so incredibly self-centered, and so incredibly difficult to be with. And that wouldn’t have made me happy in the long run. I was and am yearning for someone more gentle, more warm. She is not being a good person now. She still has stuff from me but isn’t sending it back. I don’t know why. I lent her my old first iPhone before we split up because she wanted to try using a smartphone, and she is holding on to it simply and only because she managed to make it work for herself and now wants to keep testing it. Who does that? Why does she not understand that we need to sever the ties and move on? She also still has my keys. And it’s not fair that she is holding on to these things. She could have given or sent them to me, and she doesn’t. And I don’t want to stay in touch. I really don’t. It’s just going to hurt more.
The other day, I had a good moment. One night, I made a list of all the women I’d been with. In relationships or affairs. And all of a sudden, B was just one in a little succession. An anecdote among other anecdotes. That made me feel a little better.
Mainly, though, I am not unhappy because of her. But because there is a fear and anxiety within me in dealing with or thinking about a future on my own, that is somehow mind-numbing … paralysing. I need help, I think, to deal with this productively. I made appointments with therapists. And I hope that someone can help me be better with myself, so I won’t need someone the way I feel I do.
I am not in a good place right now.