I am feeling much better than last weekend. I had a type of breakthrough experience last Monday. I was walking around Munich airport, before I was getting on a plane to Rome, and I was feeling miserable. Much like I had been describing in my last blogpost. And then I was watching people, and thinking about what I really want, and suddenly the thought struck me: I am in no place to have a relationship. I am in the middle of figuring out what my life is supposed to be like. I am totally trying to redefine who and what I am. I am so much better off on my own right now.
And that thought stuck. And it lifted me up and somehow almost carried me. I sat on the plane, and suddenly I was calm. I had a sense of purpose. And it was good. Now of course, there is always Murphy’s Law. Getting off the plane in Rome, I habitually checked my private emails, like I do, and out of nowhere there was an email from B. That shouldn’t have been there. Some smalltalky way of trying to connect, acknowledging that it was probably a selfish thing to write to me. And it kind of sent me tumbling again.
But none the less, I have been doing alright since Monday. I am reading a book that is totally inspiring and fun, and giving me tons of ideas for my own creative projects. I have come up with an approach to making work fun again for me, and reconciling my desire to be creative with the work I do at our company, which really raises my spirits. Thanks to that, I have found new joy in my work. I have plans and projects. I may actually have started to work on my first novel (already last weekend, despite the state I was in …). All the while, I cannot shake the thought of B. That email was lingering in my mind all week, I was determined at first to not answer it. But then I couldn’t, and finally sent a very short reply on Friday night (and haven’t looked at my private mails since … to not spoil my weekend).
In the past week, I spent two days in Rome for a client meeting, including a very fun night of walking around the city center with three colleagues, one of whom has lived in Rome for six years, so he was our guide. There were also other meetings at our headquarters that were quite interesting. And now I am spending the weekend at a colleague’s place — she lives in Brussels. We get along quite well, and the other day when I told her that my relationship had fallen apart, she also said that things were rather sour on her end, so we decided spontaneously that we could just organise a fun weekend together, to take our minds off of things. And that’s what we’re doing. Today we went to a wonderful place that’s called Cook & Book where there are several restaurants combined with several bookshops. We spent hours there, eating, browsing, finally lying on the lawn in the sun. Yesterday was the national holiday in Belgium, and we walked around town with friends of hers. Tonight, we’re planning to go to the movies.
I am a little afraid of reading my private emails again on Monday, to get some idiotic reply, or non-reply, or whatever else reply from B. But I think I can handle it. I’ll be okay. I think I am doing the right things.
I am pretty much okay right now.