Last week I wrote that I was feeling better. Well. So so. Part of it had to do with the fact that there was still an email exchange with B. We had some longer emails then at the beginning of this week, where I could tell her some more things that I still needed to get off my chest (tender things, not ranting or anything like that), and she made clear that that one email of hers was a mistake, and that she had finally accepted and understood that we needed distance and no more contact. In one way, that was helpful because it makes things clear. In another, I am sad of course. I know and understand that the way she is (right now?) is not good for me. But I am struggling hard with the fact that again the dreams and expectations have fallen through, that I am on my own again, and that I can no longer share things and thoughts and dreams with her.
We had a business & fun meeting in Barcelona in the second half of the week. It was absolutely ridiculously beautiful — in the sun, by the pool, with lots and lots of young beautiful people … And myself in the middle of it, trying to relate to some of them, holding on to those I consider friends, trying to function and to be part of the fun, despite my fairly sorry psychological state and my self-worth problems whenever it comes to sun and swimsuits and summer activities, because I find myself pale (I am indeed the whitest boy alive), and unattractive. So I was not in a very good place, while being in a gorgeous place. Quite the contradiction.
During this weekend, I am not getting done what I want to. And overall, I am just struggling.