I went sailing on the Wannsee today, with Rum. She has taken sailing classes, and today was a superwarm gorgeous day, and she had asked me if I wanted to come along. The three hours were fun. There was very little wind for a while, and I thought we’d have to do some painful paddeling back, but then the wind picked up again.
Afterwards, I was a little sad, though. Not sure why.
Generally, I’ve been doing pretty much okay these past days. A major contributor was the last weekend. After the depressing and then strange exchange that B and I had had, I went over to Steve and Ursula’s place on Sunday, and wanted to hang out and work on my animation stuff there for a while. And there, I received another text message from B that turned into the weirdest, most bizarre exchange of messages that I’ve ever been a part of. I am not going to describe it in detail here, but the key thing is that it became absolutely and undoubtedly clear that she really has serious issues, issues that go beyond, actually, what we might normally call ‘issues.’ It was quite disturbing at first, particularly because she still has the keys to my house (to this day …), but it finally proved — and I realised that thinking about it during the past days — that already during the relationship she was acting strange. I know now that some things were simply not right with her … are not right with her … and I no longer need to try and blame myself. She ended up projecting her own issues and insecurities on me, and that’s why things were often so strange with her. She has to sort out her stuff, most probably with the help of medication, and I cannot be part of that. In order to cope with it, she actually turned me into the enemy now, and that irks me, but I need to live with that, and I can.
Other stuff that helped me feel okay: I met new people, hung out with friends, went to readings and events, planned a trip to Italy next week where I’ll have fun with my colleagues there, worked on my animation project, pushed my project of getting a new blog for myself, and generally levelled out and kind of got into a groove of doing my own thing, and being my own man, and accepting that I am on my own, and finding that okay. I also went back to that one therapist who seemed quite helpful. And overall, I am just trying to be busy, and to keep doing good stuff, and meeting lots of people, and feeling good about myself.
The key thing about my wellbeing has to do with my lack of self-confidence via-à-vis interesting women. I have no issues with my self-confidence in any other circumstances, but when there is “someone interesting”, I get loopy. And so I started thinking about that, and I actually started observing how the whole dating and meeting and relationship game is one that is mostly built on self-confidence. I met two women this week (together with other people), and when meeting them, I really began to observe myself and others in this game. It’s interesting. Maybe I am at the beginning of something really new. I may escape my own nightmare after all some time sooner rather than later. And that’s a good thing.
And my animation project is really coming along nicely. It may turn into something surprisingly cool. Cal is coming round tonight, he has to do a song tomorrow here in the neighborhood, and he has hurt his arm, so he can’t play, and I’ll come along and play for him to sing.