Pre-Vacation Rush.

Shit. I’ve been very good, in these past weeks. And never thinking about B at all. And if, then only with much distance, and calmly. And there, just now, I was setting up my new phone, and through some strange coincidence, Google+ ended up giving me some friend suggestions, and she was among them, and with a different name that she hasn’t used before, and somehow it startled me, and it made me feeling lonely and strange all of a sudden now. Why can’t these silly social networking sites develop some sense of sensibility, to not show us people that we don’t want to be shown?! (I know that that’s a stupid question. But is it?)

I had brunch with M today. She was in town, and it was very nice to catch up — after quite some time. Other than that, this weekend is all about getting ready for my vacation. I am going travelling on Tuesday, and I am prepping. It’ll be a scuba-diving trip, and I’m basically charging my iPad with movies and books. I got a whole bunch of classic films (Maltese Falcon, Third Man, Ben-Hur, etc. etc.) from the video place, and I am ripping them to take them along on my trip. And I put some eBooks on it, too. I just want to spend time either in the water, or on land with books and films and ideas. The only thing that’s bothering me — I have this sense of dread that I sometimes have before adventures like this, where I have this deep-seated fear that somehow things will go wrong and I won’t come back. I think that’s something I need to speak to my therapist about …

This past week was quite eventful — I was travelling to Amsterdam and Paris, for work. When I arrived in Amsterdam, my mobile phone’s OS collapsed as I was resurrecting it from flight mode. We were in the middle of switching providers, and I already had a new one waiting at home, just not a new SIM card yet. Since there didn’t seem to be a way to rescue the old one on the trip, I was stuck travelling without a phone … which was somewhat inconvenient … and an interesting reminder of how we depend on these machines, day and night. Getting two and from the office in both cities required some improvisation, because transportation had been breaking down as well (in Amsterdam, a ferry wasn’t working, and for the trip from Amsterdam to Paris, the train was cancelled and I had to switch to an airplane — that kind of stuff becomes a whole new experience without a smartphone!), and managing that without a phone was rather interesting!

The trip to Amsterdam was particularly interesting because I finally met this woman I had been writing with … To make it short: yes, she’s someone very interesting, incredibly smart, with quite an interesting attitude to life … yet: no spark. Absolutely none. We spent an interesting evening, with some good conversation. Yet there was nothing to excite, intrigue, fascinate … and so I left her that night, feeling a bit empty. I had built up some hope and anticipation, and was then somewhat disappointed. On the other hand, I had managed to keep things down enough beforehand so that it would not turn into an embarrassment (because if you visibly build up excitement which then is deflated, of course that makes it quite clear for all parties what has happened …); at least I’d like to think that. I do want to stay in touch, though, because she is someone fairly interesting, and somehow I feel I should.

The past weekend, I went to see my parents, they’d gone on a trip to one of the islands on the Baltic Sea. I spent the major part of the Sunday with them, and we had a nice time. The week before that, I had different job meetings in Frankfurt and Munich — one particularly busy day at our client’s in Frankfurt. And I was agonizing (prematurely) a little about the woman in Amsterdam, she was extremely busy because of some deadline she had to keep for a massive project, and I am so bad at waiting for messages that it bothered and worried me … Of course, now I know that that was premature (see above) … and it taught me, hopefully, the lesson once more that it’s no use getting your hopes up regarding some romantic dreams when you’re just still so far off, and things can play out in so many different ways … Oh well.

Feeling lonely this afternoon/evening. And haven’t felt that in a long time. That’s annoying.


About The Outer Rim

I am trying to remember my life. By posting about it. Starting January first 2011.
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