Up and Down.

That’s the way things are going. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Sometimes I am doing fairly okay, keeping my anxiety and my hopes at bay, while I don’t hear from N, relying on my own self, thinking about my life in my own terms. Sometimes I am doing quite alright because there are cute exchanges going on, and they make me really happy. And sometimes there is a lot of anxiety, and uncertainty, and darkness. This time of waiting just needs to go, so I can start spending time with her, and seeing what happens. A week from today, I’ll be in Italy. Tomorrow in a week, I’ll be seeing her again. Maybe I’ll be bored by her? (Oh no.) Maybe she’ll be bored by me. (Oh no!!) Maybe it’ll be amazing?

I’m at my parents’ place this weekend. It’s going quite okay. I am quite happy that I am getting along so well with my parents. This morning, my father and I “activated” a toy that my father had given me already a couple of Christmases ago – a hydrogen-powered car that is a little scientific experiment at the same time. It had taken us so long to finally use it because we needed distilled water for it, and we’d never managed to provide that when I was here. This time, we ended up having it drive around on the dining table, powered by combining hydrogen and oxygen in a little fuel cell. Neat!

Yesterday, we went to see an art exhibition: a lifetime exhibition about Frank Stella’s work. It was interesting, but none of the pieces really touched me. That was very different with another exhibition which was also on display in the same museum, with Steve McCurry’s award-winning photography work. I particularly loved the photo of a little boy, running from the photographer. He is floating in mid air as he is speeding away.

Other than that, these past two weeks were marked by my up and down feelings … Thursday the week before last was my low point. I returned by train from three very intense days at our headquarters, and I was really aching psychologically and spiritually on that train ride. I felt very lost and lonely, felt maybe the most depressed I have in these past two, three weeks. But there were ups, too. Last weekend, I saw an 8+ hours staging of Goethe’s “Faust 1+2” in Hamburg, together with Steve. That was quite an experience. This past week, I had a very good Monday, I was really happy about how I’d gotten my work done, and felt efficient and good about myself. Tuesday was a low again, on my own, working from home all day. Wednesday and Thursday were better – I went to London and had couple of good meetings there.

Now it’s one more week. Meetings in Hamburg, meetings in Munich, and then by car across the Alps. I am a little anxious. And a little happy. And just unsure what will come of it. But that’s why it’s good to go.


About The Outer Rim

I am trying to remember my life. By posting about it. Starting January first 2011.
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