That’s the analogy that I used in my last post. Well, the decision is made, the roller coaster threw me off, and I am left without N. I am not really able to really tell what happened this past week … it was a storm of emotions and hormones … Wednesday night, when she had told me (by Skype chat!) that she would not leave her boy-friend, we finally did speak on the phone, and I told her how deep my feelings for her ran. On Thursday morning, I gave her presents that I still had, and a pop-up card that I had made for her. There was much crying. She suffered like an animal the whole day, while I was a zombie in the office. That evening, a whole group of people from the office went to something called “Dialogue in the Dark”, where you feel your way around a pitch-black parcours, helped by a blind person. We had been at an ice-cold distance all day, and in that pitch-black dark, we were all over each other, in the midst of our colleagues, but of course no one could see it, and so we held hands, and caressed, and kissed, and … I gently kissed her in the Metro saying good-bye, and that night believed that the tables had turned once again. And then on Saturday night, we went to Venice, and it was one of the most horrific days of my life, because she had backed off again, and then finally told me on the train that the decision wouldn’t change, regardless of what had happened in the Dialogue in the Dark. And that was that.
And I am at rock bottom again. And hate, hate, hate, hate, hate it. How much longer can … must I go on?