It’s hopefully now over. After another week in my self-inflicted agony, I finally got to a point where it became just absolutely abundantly clear to me that this had to end. She is so addicted to my attention and passion that she totally doesn’t understand what that does to me – getting that type of feedback from her, yet knowing that it’s the other guy whom she will be with. Probably without wanting to be, she’s just really selfish. Taking taking, and not giving.
I spent two days in Hamburg, for business meetings. During that time, our sex chatting got more intensive than ever. She is so into me. Yet she’s not giving in to that. It’s maddening, in the end. Absolutely maddening. On Friday, I was not myself all day. I had finally realised that it would be and remain this. This maddening pointless fight. And I am not willing to fight anymore. So I gave into the thought that I am now giving up on something that might be the love of my life. And that made me so incredibly sad. Gladly, I had a call with Rum that night. She was very wise (I’d been talking to her, and also to Steve, a lot during these crazy weeks), she was going through something similar recently, we’re both just perpetually fighting with our loneliness. And she pointed out to me all the ways in which N just didn’t treat me well. And lead to the conclusion that she just isn’t that. Not the right person for me. Probably simply not a good person. Not what I want. Not what I need.
And that kind of stuck. Or I am trying to make it stick. Holding on to that, because I feel better thinking this. Not so desperate. Not so horribly lonely.
I actually went to a party that same night and had fun. Today, I sent N an email telling her how things would be. She called immediately. But had nothing to say. And then we exchanged some more messages during the day today. I’m not going to talk about those. It’s just the last trembling of something that is dying, and that didn’t really have a right to live to begin with.
I’ll leave this town a few days earlier than planned, but I will return at the end of March.
When I was in Hamburg, I also met up with my parents who were there celebrating my mother’s 77th birthday. I was “the surprise”. That worked, even though I ended up spilling my sadness and my anguish to them. Which I had really wanted to protect my mother from. But I just didn’t manage to. And I hate that. It must have dampened her birthday fun.
Oh man. Will this ever end?