I think I have a depression. For the first time in my life. I may start taking anti-depressants. My mental trip back, to thinking that I ought to keep trying with N was not the right idea. I had a long skype chat with her last Wednesday. And it became fairly clear what she wants and how she thinks. She is locked into her life with her boy-friend, with the home that they are making, he is linked into her family, and it’s a world onto her own that I cannot get to. Anything happening between us can be no more than flirting and fun, within her job, as a bit of additional fun. Never more, never bigger.
I am trying to cope. I cannot properly sleep. I don’t see any pleasure in life anymore. My body aches. I am coughing. The pain I feel is not only connected with her. It is my bigger pain, my fear of loneliness, an overwhelming sense of emptiness while this state lasts. And in a week, I’ll go back to Italy. It’s all crazy.