I’m better than last week. My therapist and friends helped me – the ever delightful Chriz probably more than most, he said just the right things at the right time over a lunch we had last Monday. On Tuesday and Wednesday I was in London, on Wednesday we had a strategic meeting with a globally renowned magazine publisher and mult-millionaire. Interesting. On Thursday and Friday we did job interviews in Munich for the managing director’s job in Italy. The candidates who came weren’t it. I agreed with another colleague from the Italian team. I am glad that he saw it the same way – otherwise I would have been worried that I just wanted to bite them away only to still have a role to play in Italy. There is a fantasy lodged in my brain about my being the competent ruler of the office, and thereby somehow winning N over. Which is misguided and wrong, and hopeless.
Tomorrow I’m going back to our office there, a really early flight in the morning – and right in the afternoon, I have a three hour train ride with N. It’s crazy. I have a plan on what to tell her. I understood a few things about her, particularly thanks to a long Skype chat we had a week and a half ago. And now I made a plan about what to tell her, to make sure she understands how I feel, and that we’re clear with each other.
I’d been looking forward to hanging out with Kal tonight, but he just cancelled because he’s ill. Too bad. My parents went to Alsace for a one-week holiday. I hope they’re not suffering too much from my bad state. I got addicted to Homeland (season 1) this weekend, consecutively downloading one episode after the other. There’s only two or three left to go.
I still don’t sleep more than 6 hours per night. I hope that will go away again. But it’s probably worse when I get back to Italy, knowing N around the corner and in the office every day.
I think I’m crazy for doing this.