Still climbing. And making progress. I am in Italy now, and I think I want to move here, and take a permanent position. After all that I have been through in the past weeks, it seems quite a strange thing to say. But it isn’t. I have spent this weekend thinking a lot, and I believe that it is time for a change, and that I should actually move here, and — and this is the important bit — all of that DESPITE N. Not for her or because of her. She seems determined to stick with her plan (even though she apparently finds it hard in my presence), to stay with her man and carry on. So I will need to have a new plan, and I’ve come up with one. It has to do with her being out of my mental picture, and with me making my own plans in and around Milan, discovering new people, and new friends, and a new life. Some of that is scary, particularly when I wake up in the morning, but some of it is also positively exhilarating. I think I can do this. And I think I should do this.
What else happened? I spent the Easter weekend with Susanna and Rodrigo in Spain. That was really nice, but also tiring, with Rodrigo being a coach, and being so interested in dissecting and helping, we spent so much time talking about my predicament. Also, I still haven’t found my way back to sleeping regularly … So I was very tired, too. This weekend now, which I spent entirely in Italy, was the first where I actually got a good number of hours of sleep again. I hope it keeps improving.
Monday two weeks ago, I’d come back to Italy. That same day, N and I took a train to Rome, where we had a session on Tuesday with an important client. I had a strange sensation sitting next to her on the train, being less troubled and excited by her presence than the last time I was in Italy. I actually thought for a moment “I can walk away from this feeling, from this thing.” But then in Rome, I sat down with her in a café and told her what I needed to tell her, what I want from her and what I don’t want, now that I am back. I had thought long and hard about what to say, and what I did say seemed to have an effect. A week later, when I was in Madrid, she told me that our conversation in Rome really messed with her mind, and confused her awfully. Regardless … I need to move on now.
My Italian is very much improving. We had a dinner at a colleague’s place yesterday, it was Italian all night, and I actually took part in the conversation and understood lots of things. Crazy how fast it can go with a language. Today, I went to a photo exhibition with a few people, and had pizza with my former “landlady” from the time in February (she’d introduced me to these folks).
Other than that, the last two weeks were crazy with travel, and the coming week will be, too. And after next weekend, I’ll be here more permanently. And I am looking forward to that. I hope I can really get back to sleeping properly. Then I’ll be back to normal, pretty much. (Sigh.)