This really screwed with me again. God. Just because that Saturday night was so beautiful, I totally fell back into thinking that “yes, there is a chance.” That I was still in the running. That this was far from over. And then the next week comes, and teaches me that no, she is with the other guy, and so solidly, and so undoubtedly, and I am so helpless. So it had to end in an awkward evening again on Wednesday night, on which I suddenly left a group of colleagues, and ran away. And we ended up having an endless conversation in the middle of that night, split between a personal conversation and then later an endless phone call until two in the morning, in which I kept confessing my love, and telling her that I couldn’t or didn’t know how to deal with this, and she was steadfast, yet also always slightly ambiguous, because there seems to be something about me that she cannot stay away from … And when my good old friend Rum visited me last weekend, she had to help me up again, and listen to my sadness and frustration and anger. I was afraid of this morning when I would face N at the office again (on Thursday I was in lots of internal meetings, and on Friday I was out in meetings away from the office), and I am sure so was she.
But I think we’re done now. We both know what can and cannot happen, and that we must stay away from each other. I was not sure if I could do this, but now I think I can.
The business situation at the office is slightly worrying me, and I have a lot of stuff to deal with about the moving, which is stressing me out. But there are also good news. I think I may have found an actual friend among my colleagues, his name is Alfredo, and I am going to an expat evening on Thursday night, and tomorrow night Susanna is coming for a visit. I think all this may end up good.