On Tuesday and Wednesday I went traveling again. After many weeks, months, years of traveling too much and being sick of it, I actually enjoyed it this time around. In London and in Istanbul I had meetings with people who could make a significant difference to our company (and to my personal financial situation …). I was convincing, eloquent, and effective, and I felt good about what I can do, and how I operate in such situations. I am afraid of no one, and I know what I am doing. And at the same time, N was far away, and became smaller in terms of the space that she occupies in my head.
As I was traveling back to Italy on Wednesday, I was thinking about who I want to be here in this complicated situation. And I realised that any attempt to empty my life and my thoughts from N and anything related to her would never work. I see her every day. And it’s unbearably sad to spend every minute trying to look past her, and trying to avoid her. It creates a darkness and a sadness that I am not willing to live with. So I thought that I need to take the pride and the strength and the self-control I felt on this trip with me into my every day life, and show it to her, and to anyone else in the office. If I’m my most charming, my most interesting, my most attractive self, I will like myself much better. And so will she. We will spend hours in the same room every day, for the foreseeable future. If I show my best side and charm and ability to her every day, and she learns something beautiful about me every day (and not only the other way round), the conflict will not be mine, but within her. She will be the person who decided that she cannot be with me, and that decision may become more difficult for her. But not for me.
I must only make sure that at the same time I go out and grab life with both hands and meet people, and do things, and build a social circle, and not rely on her to make me happy. But when I’m in the office, there is no reason why I should not charm the pants off of her. So that is what I have been trying now.
As I sat in my car driving to a dinner event yesterday evening, I was very happy — happier than I have been in a long time: I have a new blog on which I posted for all of my friends and people who know me to read about my decision to move, and I got lots of very nice responses. I feel like we are making progress at work. The new job is not easy, but we are advancing. I am beginning to feel confident about how I am organising my stuff with the moving and everything else on the bureaucratic side of things. We are having some very interesting developments happening with our company. I am living in a great new city, making progress with learning and speaking the language. I have ideas and plans. I am healthy and well. And every day I am going to work in an office where there is a wonderfully motivated team, and among them sits the most interesting woman I know. Seriously, life could be worse, could it not?
We went out having drinks with N and another colleague on Thursay night. After two drinks, on her way home on the train, N couldn’t help herself texting me lots of messages about how she cannot keep thinking about me. And what a cool guy I am.
I don’t know, maybe my plan is already working? Or maybe I am just deluding myself into a new relapse?
Who knows. Who cares. What the hell! I’m busy being awesome.