Last weekend was difficult. My parents came to town, on their way through to a holiday destination further south in Italy. I spent the late afternoon and evening on Saturday with them, and then the whole Sunday. There was tension, I felt trapped sometimes, I notice that they are aging, and it upsets me, because I don’t see myself carrying the torch on. I miss having someone with me who can share these visits, I miss a kindred spirit who is there to take some of their attention. I feel guilty and sad about not being able to just show them a fun time. Apparently their first days at their final destination afterwards were also really bad, apparently they’d had a fight, maybe triggered by their experience with me, my mother was having a depression again, and in addition, weather was really horrible … But gladly, they worked themselves out of that, and seem to be doing better now.
But my past week was mostly fun. N and I flirt, we have (almost) intimate moments at work, and the whole approach does contribute to my being a happy person, overall. I breathe freely and I enjoy the world.
But it’s fragile. Last night, as I was on my way out of town, to fly back to my old apartment in Germany (to set it up for sub tenants that I hope to find, who’ll rent it from me), I was sad and doubting again, and falling into the hole that I know so well, and that paints the whole world in dark grey colours. It takes a lot of confidence and pride, to remain confident that time will play in my favour, and to live things day by day, and be happy about the moments that show me that she is so into me. Because ultimately you can always remember (or: realise) that nothing really changes — that she is not moving an inch away from her relationship, and that there is no reason to believe that this will ever be any different. At the end of the day, she always has herself under control, she never allows anything untoward to happen. The only time she may admit her desire is through text messages, or on Skype. So remotely — in ways that are unthreatening.
But I believe that time will play in my favour. I am now a fixture in her life. I have moved there. We spend more time together at the office each than they see each other. And I will keep being the most remarkable and intriguing and interesting person she knows. And this will slowly but surely change her attitude.
But I will not wait for that. I will only look forward to the next fun exciting thing that I can experience with her, while I will open up my life through many encounters and contacts and friendships in my new home that may just as easily bring another significant person into my life who may finally take my attention away from N. And then I will be fine as well. Whichever way it turns out — me finally being with N, or me being with someone else, I will be fine. Isn’t that a good thing to think?
It’s all about my mental attitude. Keeping that up while I’m on my own in my old apartment, surrounded by the ghosts of the past, is maybe not the easiest thing. But I am ready to fight, and to be courageous. But “awesome” is indeed work.