Confused.

Two weeks again. Last weekend, I just couldn’t be bothered to write. The week before that had been hard, emotionally. First, I had to finish the moving and packing, and all that stuff, and that was difficult for me, to do it on my own, to be sat there in the middle of all my things, thinking about failure and loneliness. I also got my motorbike from the shop and parked it at Adrian’s place, who’s kind enough to drive down to Italy with me in a couple of weeks, and help me transport stuff. On Wednesday I started working again. In the afternoon, I took a train to Prague which was mega-delayed because of the floods that are currently driving thousands of people from their homes in central Europe. I arrived in Prague late at night, met colleagues there with whom I was doing a little conference on Thursday morning. Thursday afternoon, a colleague from the German team and I drove down to Munich. Then lots of meetings and stuff in Munich. Friday night I got drunk with two colleagues in Munich. And my flight back to Italy on the Saturday morning.

The week was hard also because after what I thought was a fairly intensive week with N, this week of course was very distant from her. And I couldn’t deal with it, and kept contacting her, and trying to chat and flirt … And it was just not easy. She seemed a lot more detached. And I hated that. And couldn’t deal with it.

On the Saturday, I saw my parents again, on their trip back through Milan, to return home. It was difficult with them, once again, and I felt bad about it. In the evening, we met with a cousin of mine whom I hadn’t seen in a thousand years, she actually lives in the north of Italy, and we had a nice dinner.

And then this past week. Our two colleagues who are based at the German headquarters came, they joined us here so we’d have the full team together for a week. I had organised it, in part, also because I wanted to have a chance to spend more evenings with N. On Wednesday, we went out for an aperitivo. Finally, there was only the three of us left — the colleague from Munich, Dan, who got the guest bed in my place, N, and I. We walked towards the station where she had to catch her train, and got another drink on the way. And started talking again. And finally it got so late that N was risking missing her train. So we got up and started to go, but she seemed in no rush, and then did miss her train. I had been wanting her to miss the last train so many times. And now it happened, just like that. She didn’t even try to keep it from happening. And while she was kind of complaining about it, she also seemed to be surprisingly fine with the idea that she could come along and sleep at my place. I forced her to accept my bed while I made a bed for myself on the floor, out of the cushions of the little kitchen sofa. It was so weird and nice to have her sleep at my place. Of course nothing “happened”, because Dan was there.

The next day I had to leave really early, and fly to England, just for the day, for a workshop there. On Friday, we had the big team evening, with drinks, and a little competition, and barbecue on the roof. It was a beautiful evening, with a lot of for for everyone. The team is amazing, and we had the greatest time.

And I was somehow always close to her, and next to her, and lightly touching her, and being side by side with her. And then when it was over, and she needed to decide where to stay for the night (this was way past any train), and had the choice between my place and a (female) colleague’s place, she chose to come home with Dan and me, once again.

While Dan got the guest bed upstairs again, I forced her to accept the big bed once more (I carried her over to the bed, after she’d loudly claimed to want to take the sofa this time, and had made herself comfortable there), and again got the cushions on the floor ready for me to sleep there, but she wouldn’t stop talking about how it’s a shame that I was forced now to sleep on the bed, and finally she motioned to me to sleep in the bed beside her. So I got into bed, and couldn’t help myself, and had to start touching her. But she made me stop, and pointed up towards where Dan was sleeping, and … well. She stopped me. Nothing happened, once more. Yet there was a constant connection, at one point or another some hip or arm, or body part was touching the other person, and it was weird to be so close to her, and to wonder what it was that she wanted, and why she was doing this, while she was so obviously aware of what all of this meant, for her, for me. And yet she wouldn’t allow anything, and I can understand that, because Dan was there, and whatever would happen — if something did happen — would mean consequences that might change her entire life, and I know that she is not ready yet, for that, and yet it was also just so painful to be next to this amazing woman, and to not get closer, and to be just lying there, trying to sleep and trying not to sleep. I actually moved away and to the sofa cushions for some part of the night, just to sleep a little, and to let her sleep a little, too.

And the next morning she acted like nothing had happened, and we had breakfast with some of the team, and the two from Germany got into the car and drove back, and N took the train and went back out to that other life of hers, and I spent the weekend in Milan.

Does she know what she’s doing? I have a hunch that she does. Here is how I interpret it: she wants to be close to me. All the time. And she knows that I want to be close to her. All the time. Yet she cannot jump now. She has a life, that she is still trying to protect. But somehow subconsiously, she’s moving towards me. Physically, mentally. But she does it really really slowly. And I must not pressure her. I must wait. And create occasions where we can be close.

It’s so strange. What a weird ride.

Or maybe she’s just confused? And I am overwhelmed by an attraction to a confused woman which will ultimately lead nowhere. And which will leave my heart in shatters and destruction again?

Oh man.

On Tuesday, I will be on an all-day trip with her, in the company car. Cannot wait for that. But I also have no idea what that will be like.

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About The Outer Rim

I am trying to remember my life. By posting about it. Starting January first 2011.
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