I could fill pages and pages about the emotional roller-coaster ride that’s going on and on and on. But I have to make it short because I’m just not willing to write all that much. This past week was particularly remarkable. On Tuesday, N and I spent about 18 hours together. We went on a business trip to Switzerland together, in the company car. And she was amazing. After the meetings were over, we still stayed a little and sat by a lake, and then slowly went on the trip back. She behaves like a woman who wants to be kissed. Like a girl who is inviting a guy to make the move. But when I make the move she withdraws and talks about things being impossible. This finally ended up turning into a form of argument and at times heated discussion in the car, on the trip back. My pent-up desires and dreams and wishes … I can only control them so much. And then they come out. And she said things I didn’t want to hear. That she can’t go further because she feels as if she was married. That the relationship she has would always be there, in her head. I was upset and sad … And yet at the same time, she acknowledged that she could never move out of a relationship this fast. And I remembered and realised once again how difficult all of this must be for her. And that it was my job to make it easier for her.
Finally, after two hours of her sitting in the car next to me, having a face of stone, I seemed to have said the right words, and she kind of “unfroze”, and became her happy self again, and we took an extended break somewhere in the middle of the night, even though we were both tired and had to go home, after that endless drive … She clearly didn’t want to go, didn’t want to leave.
The rest of the week, I behaved differently. Some of her words were still turning around in my head, and I just didn’t flirt with her at all in the office. I didn’t want to. I couldn’t. I kept a distance, which nobody else noticed, but she felt clearly, and she hated it. Absolutely hated it. I could see that.
This weekend, I was back in Germany, taking care of personal stuff, finally managed to find people who will subrent my place. That is a load off. I flew over on Saturday super-early in the morning, and back today, also in the morning. I saw some people: Rum, Steve and Ursula. Drew.
Workwise, I am concerned — we are not selling enough, I am not fast enough at solving this problem, it seems. But we may have a breakthrough this coming week. We had a meeting that was very promising, so we may actually sell a project this week. That would be amazing.
I hope I can deal with N in the right way next week. I hope she won’t be distant and cold — in other words, turning it the other way round. That would kill me.