We took that trip to Rome together. And we did have a wonderful time and then that conversation at the end of it. I finally asked her to tell me everything about her relationship. Which had been a type of taboo between us so far. Well, not everything. But everything that I needed to hear, to finally give up on this insane dream. Or rather on this dream that drives me insane. She is happy in that relationship, and she ended the monologue she did with the sentence “And I believe that he is the man I want to spend my life with.” We had a really horrible train ride afterwards. Not speaking a word.
The days after that were difficult. I was determined to really block her out of my life after this. Last weekend, I went to Rome, by myself. I wanted to see a concert on Saturday night, and had organised myself a little tourism weekend around that. After the disappointment, I managed to cope with a weekend by myself fairly well. But then the following week was sheer pain. (The only relief was Tuesday night — I met two guys, a drummer and a bass player in little rehearsal studio not far from where I live, and we hit it off really well, and maybe maybe this could be the beginning of a band, or something like that. That would be really cool.) I was just the most depressed person in the office, and everybody noticed it. They must have.
The worst part was that on Thursday, N and I went on yet another trip to Rome, again to the same client. I was a pile of sad goo. Until we finally started talking again. She is so controlled and so wise and so … flawless. Even in the way she fights or argues. I don’t know, this woman is out of this world. I cannot go on and pretend she doesn’t exist in the office. It kills me. It kills the company spirit (even though our client meeting went quite well).
I have to find another way. She is delightful. I must enjoy that without letting it get to me. How can I do that? What I am thinking today is that the “post Istanbul spirit” is the only thing that can work.
Yesterday, I spent all day by myself. I finally did something that I should have done a long time ago — I reorganized my personal private laptop, so I can finally go back to editing films again. THe hard disk was too full, and my film files were in disarray, and I finally cleaned it all up, on a new external hard drive, so I can work on my film stuff again. That felt good. Also, I am currently totally addicted to “Big Bang Theory”. I am watching all the seasons, two-three episodes per day, on iTunes. I’m halfway through season 3 now.
Today, I had to do some work, and now I’ll drive to a town a couple hours away from here, to meet up with a colleague and spend the afternoon with him. Tonight, Drew and his girl-friend are coming to visit.