… that I wrote last. This past month was hard again. Hard on the psyche. On the one hand, good things happened, and they were mainly internal: I found a road to happiness by myself. The kick-off is still and was that day in Florence, where I just felt at ease and at peace by myself. Which hadn’t happened in the longest time. And I could draw from that. But at the same time, life was so fucking hectic and stressful and insane that I still had a hard time keeping my head above water.
There was a week in which I had to travel to Hamburg, and on to Geneva from there, for tiring and stressful meetings. At the end of that week, I flew to Berlin, and spent a full week in Berlin with Ursula and Steve. That was supposed to be fun, but then it wasn’t really because all of the meetings with friends and people I hadn’t seen in a long time turned it all into a hectic dash, because at the same time I was, of course, working remotely from Berlin.
On Saturday morning of that week (the 30th of November) I flew back to Milan, to face the next dauting task: moving. My furniture from Berlin had arrived a week earlier, now I had to leave the place I had been living in before, and move my “daily belongings” over to the new place. And settle in … I actually made some good progress that weekend, and at the end of it, my first longer Milan episode – the chapter in that non-permanent home – came to a close, and I had a new home. With a few challenges still attached, but a new home that I believe I can feel very much at home in, when it’s all done.
The week after that came with another busienss trip, this time to Warsaw. And a tiring trip to Rome. And just work generally was somehow demanding and annoying and hard, somehow. The next weekend, I did some more organizing at home, now my living room, my bathroom and the bedroom (somewhat) had become useable. I also made music again on the weekend, with my two band projects in Milan. Playing with both of them keeps getting better, I think I am really lucky that I found these people.
And then last week hit me in the face again. I went on another trip to Rome again with N. As these things go, we had to go to the client that we work for together. And the day with her just killed me. Killed me dead. I’d spent weeks learning to live with the idea that she is just another girl, a silly one sometimes, who is no more special than many others are. And then we spend the day, and it reminds me again of how amazing I keep finding her, and how much I would love to just spend every single day of my life with her, and how that is so not going to happen.
And my strength and my resolve and my power and my confidence kind of whither away, and I go back to being down and sad. It’s not like in March when I was totally destroyed and depressed. But it’s still sad. And so I keep trying to find my way back to being strong and confident and happy, but it’s hard when you know so well what you’re missing.
And all the while, the negotiations about the fate of our company are going on. We are hoping to be acquired, we need to be, but the buying party is afraid, and chicken-shit, and we need money now to make things work, and it’s a painful process that I am gladly not running (others in the company are), but it’s still trying and taxing.
Then this past weekend, I flew to Berlin, and stayed with Steve and Ursula once more, and Rum had her birthday party, and then I took the train to my home town, and now I have been staying with my parents for a couple of days, trying to squeeze lots of Doctor appointments into these few days, and hoping to get some stuff done before I’ll finally go out to our cottage either tonight, or tomorrow, for a few days of completely calm and rest and peace. I am in such a sorry state that I’ve gone back to fighting with my dad over little things, silly things, putting too much stress on them.
I must recover. I need a break. I must find my strength back. This year was too much. A love story gone horribly awry. A move to a new country. Finding your bearings in that new country. Learning a new job in a new culture. Solving a massive business problem in the company. Dealing with the upheaval in life that such a move means. And with the loneliness.
This was one fucking hard year 2013.
I need to digest it, and get over it, and find my bearings again.