The sky is blue and I am sitting in the office in Italy. I have a good internet connection here, not yet at home, so I came to the office to do some Internet stuff.
The past two weeks were not easy.
Well. It was Christmas.
The five days in the cottage started out well, but then it kind of went downhill. For two days, or so, I was busy and having fun with my projects. I edited a diving film that I had shot in Egypt two years ago, and I also worked on a drawing/comic project. And I went running. But then, in the dark and loneliness, my demons caught up with me. The fear of loneliness and the anger of not finding anyone, and the pain of this past year in the presence of N, and all of it. And the worst is: the worse I feel, the more difficult it gets with my parents. They are getting older, and that is painful for me to realize. On so many levels. Knowing that they will not be there forever. Not having the exchanges with them in the way I would want, because sometimes they don’t understand, or don’t hear well, or just don’t react the way I’d want them to. And knowing that the window for them to meet their grandchildren is ever-narrowing. And that there is nothing I can really do.
But the worst is when they tell me to do something, or want me to do something, treat me like their child, rather than like “just another person”. I cannot explain why, but every time I explode. It happened three or four times this Christmas. And it’s bad. I am so sorry, and it’s unfair to them, and I don’t really understand why my reaction is always so drastic, and so violent. I literally cannot help myself. I think it’s the deep-seated anger that I cannot change the relationship, and be the father and husband, and independent “other” person who is no longer within their keep, so to speak.
But that’s not their fault. It’s mine. And I need to do something about it. I absolutely must.
I just spoke with them on Skype, and told them I would come to visit them again in February. I feel bad about these arguments that we had, and I want there to be another date when we can meet, and when I can do better.
Other than that, Christmas was okay. I just wish I could turn the tables and organize Christmas for them, with my family. Rather than coming home like I always used to.
There is a book that really does help me when I am feeling bad like this. It’s Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman. I do believe that this approach can really help me feel better about the things that get me down. It’s working okayish right now.
For Christmas, I got a drawing tablet for my PC. I had asked my parents for it, and we found it together on Amazon. I am really having great fun with it. It’s really a great way for me to find my way back to drawing. I already started working with it in Germany, with lots of fun. And now that I am back in Italy, I came up with another way of practicing how to draw humans. That’s my one thing I totally need to practice — drawing people. Yet I don’t feel like “just” doing studies and exercises, so what I started doing was: porn. I am drawing porn scenes. Ideally suited to learn about anatomy (don’t laugh … ;), yet at the same time much more interesting than just a body, or a movement study. I even started a tumblr blog where I am posting these drawings …
The only thing is that it makes me think about sex much more than I would otherwise. And I am not sure if that’s good, considering that right now I cannot have sex with anyone other than, well, myself …