Mindfuck. And how to get away from it?

Not doing so well today. This weekend, really. Last week, we went on another trip to Rome, with colleagues. And for a day and a half, N was with us again, and it was again like last year — before Christmas: it messes me up to go travelling with her. It really does. I can handle the office situation (more or less), but going on a trip where I’m basically exposed to her without pause, and where we share “off time” and have private conversations just really fucks with me. So on Friday evening I talked to her about it. For the first time in half a year, we actually had a brief conversation about “us”, and I told her that he’d been doing a great job these past two weeks (which is true, she is just really good at her job), and then I told her that I had to say something about our interactions, and that I simply need to avoid going on business trips with her, at least for the foreseeable future. And that I just want her to know that this is not because I had something to criticize, or didn’t like her (anymore), but more the opposite. She didn’t say much, just kind of smiled, and was fairly matter of fact and accepting about it. Which I also really kind of hate, that she just doesn’t show emotion when we have conversations like that, and I could go on now, but I won’t because, well, I’ve been in a bad fairly shabby mood all weekend, and really since that trip before Christmas, so rather let go of that shit.

(Let us remind ourselves: I moved to a job where I would sit in the same office with a person with whom I had a brutally failed romantic encounter. That is tough – stupid? – stuff, so I guess it’s no surprise when it kicks you in the gut every now and again.)

On Friday I played with the boys again. The band is really getting better. I think we may actually be getting somewhere, we are beginning to have a good chemistry, and the guys are really nice, and they’re good musicians. And these guys not only accept, but really like my songs! Which I find somehow amazing, it’s really cool. But maybe the best thing was that one moment at the beginning of our session, when the bass player and I were trying something, just as the drummer walked in, and just that moment the guy who runs the rehearsal labs listened in, and heard me play, and was just really appreciative, and seemed to really like what he was hearing. That was really cool. Maybe I will finally have a band that actually gets to do some stuff, here in Italy? That would totally be a dream come true.

That evening I went out to have a beer with the drummer, and we went to this bar place where I’d been once before, and we listened to some live music. And the girl at the cash desk where you buy your tickets to get drinks was just really amazing, and I fell a little in love with her, but of course I didn’t talk to her. (Other than for my drink tickets …)

Unfortunately, the good music vibe didn’t help completely distract me from my loneliness. On Saturday I finally returned to working on one of my drawing projects, and I spent some three hours on it, but it didn’t really make me happy. Which was a disappoinment. I hoped to get some happiness out of returning to that project.

On Saturday night, I went to play with my duo project with Tinto. That made some progress, too, and after that I met the guys from the band again for a drink at another place where there is live music. I think we may do our own first concert in March. I think that would be realistic. As a support act maybe for another group.

Before going to play last night, I had a phone call with Joe. It’s been so long that I hadn’t spoken with him. So that was good.

I am blessed with good friends.

About The Outer Rim

I am trying to remember my life. By posting about it. Starting January first 2011.
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