On edge.

This past week, all the managing directors came to Italy, because we held our managing directors’ workshop here. With my team, we had found a beautiful spot — an agriturismo a little outside of the city — where we spent two and a half days in an extremely relaxed atmosphere, worked very well together, and particularly: announced the deal the guys in the holding had made for bringing a new partner on board, with a financial investment. Everyone totally loved the place, and was apparently quite happy about the way the workshop went.

Except myself … First of all, on Monday evening my eye infection had somehow “sprung back” again. I was at this jam session bar, and suddenly my eyelid hurt again, and it felt exactly like the two, three weeks ago. Even though things had really been getting better. And that absolutely annoyed me. Next week I’m going to the eye doctor again, and now something really has got to happen. (Last night, I felt so disturbed by it, and somehow so shitty that I could not go out and have drinks with Lenny and Arad.) And secondly, I am somehow always on edge during these workshops. I tried to tell L about it on Whatsapp afterwards, I think it is a frustration that comes from two things: one, I know that I could be doing my job better than I am doing it; two, I don’t really want to be doing this job at all, which also explains number one. And all that creates a kind of tension and frustration that comes out in a more aggressive way sometimes than I want it to. I wish I could just be a bystander, a consultant, an outsider, who does not have all that responsibility to make things work well, and move forward, and address all of the issues that there are to address. I think I am simply not really happy in my job. Which is no news, but it’s hard to change when there is an itinerary that one needs to follow. But at least I now have that itinerary, with the investor, and with a schedule which allows me to plan something.

And generally, I feel like I am not living my life well: I am not doing any kind of sports, I am not making progress with the projects beyond my work, and should I be pursuing some kind of strange transatlantic fiction of a relationship rather than trying to somehow find a girl who lives next door?

L is just about to take part in the Brooklyn half marathon. We’re whatsapping this morning, while she is on her way over there.

I have a lot of stuff to do this weekend, tomorrow I will be working pretty much all day, but this morning I spent a little time on one of my film projects. It’s really slow, but it’s coming along nicely.

About The Outer Rim

I am trying to remember my life. By posting about it. Starting January first 2011.
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