Weltangst.

These last three weeks were kind of crazy, really. The most important was my one week holiday, in the south of France, together with L. The place we stayed at, the country, the weather, the people, it was all marvellous. Through Steve and Ursula, we had found a remarkable B&B, run by a gay couple, one from Paris, the other from Canada, who came to France after having lived in canada for 20 years, and started this place. It’s an old farm house on an incline, far away from most other things, you could only get to it on a dirt track. A little up the hill, there is a swimming pool, with two additional bungalows where people can stay. We stayed in a room in the main building, with its own deck and deck chairs. The two prepared breakfast for us in the morning, and they would give us amazing recommendations for restaurants to go to in the area, we ate some absolutely excellent food during this week.

What was less marvellous: the fact that I found out during the journey that a relationship with L would not work. She is a remarkable person, someone incredibly sweet, and passionate, and funny. But something just didn’t work for me, it wasn’t there, I could not connect and feel attracted to her the way she seemed to feel attracted to me. And that made it all somewhat painful, because I kept more distance than she would have wanted me to, and I felt how that was making her suffer … Sometimes I got angry by it, and was not friendly enough to her … It was not easy. But I hope to her this will provide more good memory than bad, and that she will be happy about the beautiful things we did and saw.

The trip was cut into two pieces, because in the middle of it I had to drive down to Marseille and take a plane to Germany, for one night and one day. We met to finalize the deal we’d made with the corporation that was investing in our company. So all of a sudden I found myself on a deck in the south of Germany, drinking champagne with my friends/colleagues and a bunch of people in suits. It was really strange to step out of my holidays and into that meeting, and then fly back to Marseille and resume my holidays.

And also, my holidays were too short. One week just isn’t enough.

Right before going on this trip, I went to Veneto and spoke at a company workshop. It was a rather particular experience because I had to give the same speech five times! They do this management workshop once a year, and bring in people from all over the world. And since they’re split up into regional teams, they had asked me to present to all teams. It was actually more fun than I had thought it would be.

I wrote at the top that these weeks were crazy. Well, for one because of the strange confluence of holidays and this corporate deal. But also because I am restless and worried in a way that really bothers me. There is an anxiety and restlessness that I cannot shake somehow. I think it has to do with a whole bunch of things – being overwhelmed with work sometimes, with the state of the world and my complete inactivity with regards to that, with the shape of politics, and everything that seems to be going wrong … When I was a kid, I sometimes overheard my parents saying when they were having a drink: “Against the Weltangst.” They probably meant nuclear war, essentially, because that was during the cold war. But now I have Weltangst for a whole host of reasons. And I feel unable to do something about that. This kid IS doing something. Maybe I should join him? I’ll definitely donate.

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About The Outer Rim

I am trying to remember my life. By posting about it. Starting January first 2011.
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