The Irony of it all.

I guess everyone knows this, at least in theory: when you pine for a relationship, for someone to be with, they’ll flee from you. You’re sending out those desparate waves, and they are the most unattractive thing in the world. And when you’re happy by yourself, busy with your stuff, looking at other people, couples, families, thinking ‘nah, I don’t need that right now’, things are somehow happening by themselves … I was being much more of the latter recently, feeling content, with no (or very little) need for company. I have plans that really occupy me, that my mind is on, I think I couldn’t actually be a good partner now, tuning in on someone else, really being there for them. Maybe that’s why the idea with L and a long-distance relationship actually seemed appealing to me. And the fact that I just tried something of a relationship with her that was not actually working showed me that I don’t want to be with someone at any cost. No I don’t, it has to work.

Anyway, there is K down in the South, I can tell from her communication (she sends me photos of sundowns in Sicily) that she likes me. And at an expat meetup I met this other person who seemed interested, and I’m sure we’re going to have a drink some time next week. And then there’s a girl at our company headquarters who I’ve always been curious about, and now we actually have a project that we’re working on together. And she seems to at least enjoy the little personal communication that we’ve had so far. So when I need it less, I get more of it. Isn’t that ironic? Or maybe it isn’t – because you cannot be a good partner in a relationship when you’re so needy you almost have no regard for the other person.

The eye thing turned out to be less serious than I thought it might be. It’s essentially the same problem that I had with the other eye. The eye doctor in my hometown essentially said to me that I will have to clean my eyes/eyelids like I brush my teeth – regularly, every day. The craze of flying home just for this thing, and my general unhappiness with my physical wellbeing, and this realization that I need to be taking care of myself in this regular fashion, really reminded me that I have to work on getting my exercise. I am really determined now to exercise more regularly, both the exercises I got shown for my back (I want to do those pretty much every day), but also running. I ran this morning, before the city would get really hot.

The good thing was that because of this, I ended up seeing my parents and staying with them for three days. And that was really nice, actually. There was no fighting, it went really peacefully, and was really good. Maybe unplanned visits are the best?

We’re having a bit of a crisis with the band. At the last rehearsal, I was getting a little fed up with Arad’s constant nagging about things, and never being happy, and always changing things, and always being on Lenny’s case about how to play certain things. It turned into a long discussion that night, first with the three of us, and then when Arad had left, I kept talking with Lenny, and also the next evening (we went out for a drink), and also yesterday (we met just the two of us to rehearse). Let’s see where this is going. Maybe we need a new bassplayer.



About The Outer Rim

I am trying to remember my life. By posting about it. Starting January first 2011.
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