Thursday and Friday, I was in Amsterdam for work. It was another one of these international workshops that we do at our company. I used to love them. I don’t really, anymore. The main reason: I am always angry. And I don’t even know why. I just get angry too easily, I get annoyed and upset. I think it’s because I really need to leave marketing. There is this horrible inner conflict between being really good at the job that I am doing (I have come to believe that I really am), and really not wanting to do it anymore. That’s really tearing at me.
On Tuesday, I had a call with my therapist from back in 2012/13. I called her because I realized that I am not happy, for reasons that are stupid. The call did help. I also spoke with my parents about the issue, and they also said things that helped. Essentially: it is absolutely helping no one to be unhappy because you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Whom does that help? If you want to change something, change something. If you cannot change something big, make a small change. But constantly being unhappy about stuff is not good, not useful, I must stop that. And that did help me. Since these conversations, I can see more light again.
Nana has trouble in her family. Something that makes her really cry at night. And I cannot really help, from 600 km away. Anjeli got in touch again. I had thought that I had already lost her as a friend. Cay is in Italy with his parents, we had wanted to meet, but then he never told me when exactly, and when he finally wrote, I had made other plans.