I took a major break in writing again. It’s been more than a month. What has this month been like?
I had a health scare again. I keep having these. I took an HIV test because I felt I owed that to Nana. And even more so because I wanted her to take one, too. My results are in, negative, but hers not yet. This is about my fear, and about her past. I am afraid of this stuff, and she’s been somewhat reckless at times in her past, and that scared me. The state I can go into about these things, the thoughts my mind can conjure up when it comes to imagining the various outcomes of these tests is fairly crazy. Is that normal? Do other people have that, too? Or is that just me? Generally speaking, though, I am so often so worried and afraid of bad illnesses, incurable illnesses. It’s sometimes really hard to live with. I am not sure where that comes from. Over the Christmas break, I have realized that since I have started feeling the finiteness of life recently, all of a sudden I start wondering about long-term projects. I quite seriously have these fairly constant thoughts about whether it makes even sense to start some projects with all my energy and all my strength because at any rate, you never know how long one gets to be around anyways. That is not very healthy thinking. Yet it somehow sits in the pit of my stomach.
So most of december was full of this kind of bullshit-worrying, and full of traveling and work. When the Christmas break came around, I really seriously had to start sleeping. I have been sleeping so much these past days, and I will keep sleeping lots for another two weeks, because I will be off work for another two weeks.
On my way back to my parents, I stopped by at Nana’s on the way, and stayed for a night. When I left, I somehow started doubting that relationship again, in part for a really asshole reason, like that I am somehow unhappy about a certain feature of her body. I mean what kind of stupid brain can make up stuff like that? She is a wonderful girl, and she is so incredibly sweet to me, and I really hope that I am not dumb enough to one day be mean to her for some idiotic thing like that.
So to summarize, I am having totally idiotic doubts about my relationship, I am too often and too intensively scared about health and life in general, and that’s the primary source of my unhappiness. Which let’s us summarize for the end of the year 2014: I am an idiot.
Why am I an idiot? I must be, because objectively speaking, things are AWESOME.
In 2014, I sold a share in our company that netted me more money than something like 90% of the population will probably ever have. Just before Christmas, another company in which I have a small share was sold, and that will net me a similar sum again early next year. Both of these projects will lead to additional cash at the end of next year. I have a job that I am really good at, and in which I see good results coming from my work. I am respected at our company, and by our clients. I have a beautiful, funny, smart and loving girl-friend. We’ll go away on a one week holiday early in January. I have a surprising number of surprisingly amazing friends. I have lots of talents and interests. My parents are well, alert, curious, active and healthy in their late seventies. I may not be extremely happy in my job, but I have a plan to leave the company in a year, in order to pursue any new interests that please me, and be free — in part thanks to the money I talk about above. The Christmas I had with my parents was the first after many years in which I did not feel miserable because I felt lonely and “wrong”. Even though there were some tensions, we had a really nice Christmas, overall.
Early in December, my parents had come to see me in Italy, and we went on a trip south, to see a photo exhibition that we all really enjoyed. I had given them the trip as a present, and it was a great success, they absolutely loved it. Things are going well with my parents.
I think I need to get my mind sorted. Or my body chemistry? I think I need to start realizing how lucky I am. And if I’m not seriously starting to actually be happy soon, it may mean that I am either a jerk, or a mental case.
On that note: Happy New Year.