I’m sitting in our cottage again. It’s always so good to be here. Yesterday (Saturday), I spent all day – from noon until deep into the night – working on a little animated GIF idea that I had thought up the other day. It was intense, and fun, and also tiring, and even a little bit scary. Scary in light of my exit from the work I am doing. From next spring onwards, I will be able to focus almost entirely on projects like that, where I am at home, or here in this little house, doing work that I want to do, rather than that I have to. And I realized yesterday that that can also be a little scary. What if your dream turns out to be less desirable than you thought it might be? When a dream becomes reality, there is always some element of disappointment, because in our imagination, things are usually rather flawless – at least the things we dream about. And then in reality they aren’t, of course. The same with relationships: “oh if I only could be going out with that girl …” But then let’s imagine for a moment what that reality might be like. Probably not at all like in the dream. Well, but I think I am ready for that change, and ready to live my (next) dream. I need to get through another 10 months of work, and then things will move into a new direction.
I already got a bit of a taste of that new direction this past week, because (as I’ve written before) these past weeks and months have been so incredibly intense that I decided a few days ago that I absolutely needed a break – now. So I rather spontaneously improvised a holiday. Over the 1st of May weekend, Nana and I went to her country and hometown. I was exhausted and had this stupid cough that I’ve been struggling with for a while, so I slept a lot (which she thankfully allowed me to), but other than that, I really enjoyed that. It’s such a nice place, right on the sea, quite remarkable, actually. I saw her parents and sister, and also other friends, for a big first of May lunch in their country house, a little ways outside the city.
When we returned to work, we had another one of the intensive courses that her and I work on at the headquarter office. I ran most of the first day with her, took care of some other stuff, then left work on Monday night, and took the rest of the week off. I stayed at her place, slept, watched New Girl and other silly things on Netflix, and I went running a couple of times, which was so necessary. Oh, and I did one thing more: I cooked dinner for the two of us, twice! That is remarkable because I have never enjoyed cooking, nor shopping food, nor anything else related to kitchen activities. Yet this week, while Nana was at work, running the workshop by herself, I actually liked thinking about food, and coming up with something to make for the two of us. This was really a surprise to myself, and it showed me two important things: one, I can be a different person when I have time to spend by myself without being continuously stressed out; and two, I can (still) change also because I am in love with someone.
The week was also a little strange because our roles were so different, I think. Nana came home tired, worn out from work, with lots of stories to tell, while I just sat there, relaxed, rested, and with food for her to eat. It changed our dynamic. Oh and by the way, it seems she is doing an awesome job with that workshop all by herself – which I am really happy about.
At the end of the week, I did feel the need to get away for a bit, and have some distance. And I think she also needed that. So it was good that I had decided to go to my parents and to the little country house. When Nana and I were talking on the phone a few times yesterday, it was a little strange, there was some distance between us; a feeling that there was a big gap to bridge between us. But I am not overly concerned. We’re both extremely intense people, and I think we need to be careful with that, particularly when we are sharing a tiny one room apartment.
On the drive yesterday, I also had a long call with Tone, about where our company is headed. I am working with him on a fairly important change in our top management, and I also wanted to share with him some concerns and worries I had in the past weeks, which I thought a lot about last week. It was good to have the call, he shared with me also his point of view, and I think this conversation may help me stay a little calmer and more relaxed in the coming weeks … I hope.
Now I have to pack and get going, hoping that I’ll get back without too much traffic.