My Brain Is in Flawless Condition.

Over a month and a half that I’ve not written. The problem is that I don’t really enjoy writing this these days. But I feel like I have to. So it becomes a chore. Which makes it even less fun.

Nana is in Greece, on a trip she had planned to do for a long time, she’s with a friend who has her end of studies drama production. I am here enjoying a weekend by myself. I spent the past week working from home. One, because I realized that I am actually missing the home office lifestyle, and the quiet of working by myself. Two, because I was semi-offically ill last week. Friday the week before, I returned from another trip to Italy and during a late dinner with Nana, I suddenly had this feeling of dizziness and nausea. It felt exactly like a couple weeks earlier when I’d had the same thing, after a diving weekend I’d gone on with Pac. Back then, it went away after a week, and I thought it was connected with the seasickness that I had felt during the two dive trips with the rubber boat. But this time it really came out of the blue. So on the Sunday, we went to the emergency doctor, who ended up telling me to cancel a business trip to Madrid on Sunday/Monday, and on Monday morning I went to my regular doctor here, and he prescribed a whole bunch of tests etc. this week. On Thursday then I was at the radiologist, where they did an MRI. Gladly, the specialist there told me afterwards that my brain “is in flawless condition”. I also went to a neurologist, an ear, nose and throat specialist, and finally back to my general practicioner. The important thing: I have nothing serious. Whatever it is that I have is benign, and may also be connected with stress, or with my back issues. But it’s good to have done all these checks.

Overall, work is getting less and less bearable for me. I am counting the days. The Italian job is fine, actually. But all the other stuff, and the concerns, and the worries, are really getting to me. Because I worry too much. Because I am concerned too much. I can no longer handle this very well. But I don’t have to, either.

I had some more crisis moments in the past weeks, dealing with some existential fears and anxieties that I get every now and again, and particularly now that I am headed for a major life change, but some good thinking, a (surprisingly) amazing NPR podcast, and a call with my therapist helped set me straight again. Right when I felt really good again about myself, the whole dizziness thing (see above) happened. But that’s over now, too, I hope. Maybe these times of constant pain and fear are now finally ending. Or maybe they’ll only end next year, once everything is done? I hope not.

This past week, and also the week before, were also very much marked by something else: the greek debt crisis, and the negotiations, the Greek referendum, and all the debate and discussion in Europe and beyond about this. It had a very strong impact on my life. Because Nana is Greek. So it really became an issue in our house and home. The first weekend in July, when I was at my parents’ place for a weekend visit, I talked to her on the phone on Saturday night, and she was crying, because she felt so helpless. So I bought her a ticket so she could fly to Greece on Sunday and participate in the referendum. She was so happy she cried.

I have a hard time coming to terms with national and international politics these days. Merkel and Schäuble are a nightmare for Europe. Cameron is destroying and eroding key democratic freedoms in the UK. Greece is on the brink of a catastrophe. What is going on? And there seems so little a single person can do.

Politics are having an impact on my life and well-being like they haven’t in a long time. Earlier, in June, I contributed a little film to a debate inside the Social Democratic Party in Germany, a type of cartoon commentary. The party seems to be quite on the wrong path, too.

On the “dealing with the past” front: in the first week in July, N got married and was on her honeymoon. Yep. She got married. And I’m fine.

As mentioned above, for the third weekend in June, Pac and I went down to Liguria for a diving weekend. Overall, it was really wonderful: the things we saw (and filmed!) under water, how extremely well I got along with Pac, the relaxation, the little town (Santa Margerita), the food. One thing was less cool: I got really sea-sick both times we went out with the rubber boat to the dive spots (we only did one dive per day). And that seasickness somehow stuck with me, and kept going on for almost a week. And then returned a couple weeks later, which lead to all the doctor visits. From my GoPro footage, I made a little film afterwards, just a 2 minute thing, and made the music, too. That was fun again.

Also, Pac and Leigh have split up. But it seems like there was no other way, based on what Pac was saying about how immaturely and irresponsibly she seems to be behaving. I could not live with a person like that, yet it wasn’t him who ended it, it was her, because she felt that he was somehow too adult and boring. Which is completely nonsensical. We talked a lot about this, and after the weekend, I was also very much thinking about the relationship I have, with a girl who is very young, and who sometimes really does not treat me the right way. We had a couple of fights then, and after the weekend I spent with my parents, we sorted a few things out, and now we’re doing much better again, though.

Earlier in June, Nana and I went to a workshop in Austria that Kal had organized for his photographers. I was there as an external expert, to speak about my impressions of the digital marketing world. Nana and I had fun there, and it was beautiful to see how much she enjoyed the Alps, which she had never really gone to see before.

I was worried a lot in the past. Right now, my parents seem happy and well, they’re in the little country house. Nana is in Athens and seems to be okay, too. I had just confirmed after a whole bunch of tests that I seem to be okay, healthwise. In my job, things are going more or less okay, too. So I guess I can just relax for once and enjoy the rest of the afternoon.

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About The Outer Rim

I am trying to remember my life. By posting about it. Starting January first 2011.
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