Torn.

I know that I have to leave the company. I really do. I no longer identify with what we’re doing. And at the same time, I feel that the place is slowly losing its direction, and its meaning and purpose. I have made money by selling shares in the company — not on a level that makes me “silicon valley rich”, but enough to take a really long break, and find a new purpose in life, to buy a nice apartment in the city I want to live in, and even to get myself a Tesla.

So it’s really high time to go, and quite a good time at that.

Yet at the same time, I am torn. I used to think of our company as a well-managed place. And I had been planning to leave it in good shape. Yet I am feeling that so many things are not quite right that I cannot honestly tell myself and others that this is happening. That the company is doing fine. So I cannot stop myself wondering, planning, thinking, arguing about what it is that I need to still do, achieve, accomplish, to help make things a little more right. In that last month of February 2016 that I have left here. Even though I totally don’t want to anymore. And so it really stresses me out — after all, I need to let go, leave, take my distance. See above.

The whole thing has a real effect on my health. Again. I have pains in places that worry me, and then I get more scared about that pain, and it all reinforces itself, and gets worse. Well, just before this I went for a swim — which was so very necessary, after a very long time without exercise again — and yesterday (Saturday), I slept a large part of the day. And I am starting to feel a little better.

Last week was intense. I drove to Spain with the Tesla, to attend an international managers’ workshop for the company. My last one — I announced that I would leave. And I didn’t want to go there by plane. So Pac and I drove down. It’s no problem these days, to go driving from Germany all the way down to the north of Spain with a Tesla Model S. The charging infrastructure is in place, and it’s all very smooth. I enjoyed spending the time with Pac also. Even though he seemed a little distant on this trip. Not quite sure what’s going on with him. It may be because his relationship broke apart, and he is now realizing, after more than half a year, that he is missing it more than he thought he might. Even though he has quite some stuff going on, with more than one woman.

The workshop itself was not much fun. I am tired of the same old arguments and conversations, from the same old people. I would have changed the management team that we have a long time ago. And I cannot listen to everyone whining anymore. Like I said: I don’t think the company is particularly well-managed.

Things with Nana went better in January. The people at the company now know about our relationship, and that seems to have taken a huge burden off of her. I think now that this secret may have been the major reason for her depressions in the past months. She is just the most honest person in the world, she is so frank and open about things, and keeping this to herself must have been horribly hard for her. So I am happy that this is over, and that it seems to help her.

Only this weekend, things were a bit tough again between us; I had come back from a long trip, and she had felt very alone at times, and there was friction and fighting between us again. But we always manage to make up.

Earlier in January, I went to Berlin for a weekend, and I got quite a nice result out of it: I managed to assemble the team for my next project, after leaving the company. The project I want to pursue then is beginning to take shape, and that is making me happy. The sad thing was that during that same weekend, Kal’s dog died in a car accident. He was completely devastated. Still is. I was glad that I could be there and spend time with him.

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About The Outer Rim

I am trying to remember my life. By posting about it. Starting January first 2011.
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