Only one day after I wrote this, on the 12th of April, Nana and I had the most horrible day ever. In the morning before leaving for work, she told me that I had to make up my mind today, about whether I still wanted to be with her or not. The night before I had come back from my parents’ place, we had talked briefly, and so she knew that things were on my mind. I did think about it all morning, she then excused herself from work feeling bad (which was no lie) and returned home around lunch time, so we could talk. And we did. I said that I felt we needed some time away from each other, a break, to see if this was really what we think is good for the two of us. Long story short, there was horrible crying, panic attacks, shouting, hugging, from both of us. It was terrible. Several times, I was very close to just walking out, and that being it. We ended up saying that I’d go on my trip to the island for 12 days, as planned, the next day and we would need to let things sit.
In the evening, there was a moment when Nana seemed literally catatonic. I got really worried, because I can also not tell what comes from depression and what comes from our situation. Later, I helped her prepare some work stuff, though, and things seemed to be better again with her.
I’ve been here now for almost three days now. And I just do not want to think about her and me. I feel like there is an urge to move on, that it’s the right thing to do. Yet at the same time, I feel like I cannot do that. Cannot do that? Or cannot do that to her? So I try to avoid thinking about it. Which is not possible, of course.
Why does this have to be so hard?
At the same time, I’m having some exchanges with Linda. Does that make me a bad person?
This place is still magical. And my host, Georgios, is wonderful. Sometimes I feel a little lonely and I am having nightmares, but overall I am doing ok. If I only knew what to do with Nana and myself.