Tuesday morning this past week, Nana and I had another longer phone call. Again, it went back and forth about where we stand, what to do. Again and again, we inch very close to simply saying “this is it”, or rather: her getting me to say it. Because she doesn’t want to say it. She doesn’t want anything to end. So she needs me to say it. If I want it. And then I am not capable of saying it. I think I want it. Or do I? What is it that I want? I have been thinking about how this relationship is not working for me, and how things need to be really different, and I think about other women, and that I should look for something else. But then I have her on the phone, and it all sounds so wrong and out of place and just not possible. But I know that I am not happy. Not with the way things were … Are? Yet at the same time I am terrified of what separating, separating our things would be like. And we haven’t even tangled them up much, it would probably take a couple of hours at the house to do it. Could things be better and working if she didn’t have the psychological problems that she is having? Am I a prick for leaving her when she is most in need? What is right, what is wrong? And then there is the loneliness. I am scared of the loneliness. Very much. But that is no reason to carry on with a relationship that does not work for me.
I cannot figure this out.
So finally in our call we did agree, in some sort, that our relationship needs a break. I also told her that the trip with the parents, and having them meet, simply should not happen now. It would not make sense. And that we cannot mend anything if we try to carry on now, somehow making it work by sheer force of will. We even talked about things that could happen with other people. When I imagined — and talked to her about — her living out her sexuality in ways she wants to but somehow couldn’t with me, I actually got excited about the idea. I got hard. How weird is that? So we ended the call with the agreement that somehow right now all bets are off, for the time being. And that we’d see each other on Monday night when I return from my trip. And somehow the mood did not seem so down. There was actualy joking.
And since then: total silence. Absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. In some sense, this calms me. I don’t need to think about how to respond to her messages. In another, I am troubled by it. I have no idea what is going on on her end. I don’t know if she is incredibly depressed, lonely, or going out and partying like there is no tomorrow. I just don’t know. I don’t know what or whom I will find when I get back on Monday. I am concerned.
And lonely. Linda does not engage with me anymore on Whatsapp. For a few days, I was pretty unhappy about this. At some I realized, though, that she probably doesn’t know where things stand with Nana. And that she must assume that we’re together. Unless Nana talked to her. Did she? I don’t know. Did I make a plan for that month in Spain that ends up turning out just as bad as the month I spent in Italy, way back in 2013? When the whole tragedy with N turned out the way it did? Am I heading for a similar story this time around?
But some good things are happening, too. The screenplay that I am writing is making progress. With Georgios, I met in the city a couple of days ago. I went there by bus to find him, he was already there, and this was nice. I ended up getting a massive supply of new stuff to watch on DVD — the whole three seasons of “The Network”, for instance, which I am quite enjoying, or the latest Star Wars film, which I wanted to rewatch. I was more or less out of stuff to watch, so this provides me with some more distraction.
Yesterday, I went on a hike, up to the hotel and restaurant where Nana and I had stayed on our trip here in early 2015. Treading that same ground, I remembered how it felt then. And that it was not a good relationship, already then. There was no “Oh my, remember when you were here with her, how beautiful it was?!” Actually, no, it was a trip that had its difficulties already. A trip already with doubts.
Today, there was a rallye competition just up the street from here. I went up there, sat around and waited for the cars to come through, to take some photos. Now I’m sitting in Georgios’ restaurant, doing computer stuff. Now there is still this afternoon left to go, and then the whole day tomorrow. And on Monday I have to pack, to then travel back, to find … what? It all feels very weird. I still have nightmares, and such a racing heartbeat at night. I am not improving much while I’m here, it feels. But how can I, when my relationship is in a deep crisis?
Prince died yesterday. He was so young. It’s scary. A cousin of mine is in a deep coma, he has lots of organ failure, and it seems like he may not make it. My father went to see him. I am very afraid of death these days. Of the deaths of loved ones, and of my own. I want a family. I want a relationship that makes me happy. I want to experience these things before I go. And actually, before my parents go!
I am too afraid.
Last night I heard some singer casually crooning on the radio in the restaurant where I ate. And that voice told me to not take myself so serious all the time. And that gave me some calm. If I can take that message back from this trip — do not take yourself too seriously — that would really be progress.