As I returned from my trip, I sent Nana a first message — breaking the silence — from the airport, as I was about to board the plane back. We agreed to have dinner together. When I arrived home, she was dressed, in a new dress, make-up on, asking me whether I didn’t want to shower, too. She was somewhat distant. We went to our favourite dinner place, where I tried small talk. For a while she was listening politely, but at some point she basically cut me off, saying “I didn’t come here for small talk, I came her to talk about us.” And she did. She told me that she had discovered in these past days that I was actually suprisingly selfish. In ways that she had not realized before. Leaving her alone in her moment of deepest dispair, to go on that trip, had been such a selfish move. But I’d acted selfish and self-centered much earlier already — I always presented the move, my move, to the new city this summer as something that I was going to do, period. Never open for discussion with her. Never a joint project. Always my project. And on it went, she basically had figured out that she had seen a new side of me, one less pleasant than what she thought she knew about me. When we left the place, I felt we had some form of agreement. That this was not working as it was right now, that we had to reassess, and find new ways.
But then, once we had gotten home, she basically seduced me, telling me that “breaking up sex” was the most normal thing in the world. And we had the best sex that we’d ever had. And that’s how she reopened the whole can of worms, moving us back to where she was trying to push me towards making our relationship work, through joint effort and “trying hard”, and my not feeling that this was right, and somehow fighting against it. Two days later, I left by car, on yet another trip. Rather than traveling to her hometown with her, and with her parents (and with my parents, as originally planned), I drove up north, to my parents, on to Berlin. And she did travel down south, with the family. I met lots of friends, and ended up getting ill. I caught some kind of virus, very annoying, that delayed the rest of my trip, by two days. I felt miserable and aching, and overwhelmed, and asked her to stop communicating via phone for a little, because it was simply too much. I’m back at my parents’, here I went to a doctor, I’m trying to get better, so I can go travelling tomorrow, on a trip that will hopefully finally take me to Barcelona.
Yet still, everything is in disarray — emotionally, physically. I really hope this phase of my feeling out of place and out of bounds will end soon.