I spent my last weekend in Copenhagen. On the day of Nana’s birthday (who was and still is in Greece), I flew to Copenhagen because that night Louis CK was performing live at the Forum, and I’d bought the tickets months ago, when I was in Barcelona. I’d always liked him, and have been intrigued by his work for a long time — even though I never really laugh (out loud) about his jokes. It’s more that I enjoy his perspective on the world, and the way he thinks. And so this was a cool opportunity to see him in the flesh.
My stay in Copenhagen was overall nice, but had a blue undertone to it. One of the things that struck me in Copenhagen was how incredibly many very beautiful women seem to be everywhere. It was quite amazing. But I felt so disconnected, and seeing so many pretty faces made me feel even more lonely than I usually do. I felt that despite all of these amazing women being all over the city, there was somehow no way for me to be with someone like that. There were actually two occasions where a little courage on my behalf might have yielded something, but I did not have the courage, and so it didn’t happen. I saw this one girl on the crosswalk, and kind of had to look twice to realize how pretty she was. And then she looked, too, and saw me. And I kept walking, and then at some point I turned around, and just wanted to see her once more, and she looked, too. And I kept walking towards this one restaurant that I wanted to check out, and a considerable ways away from her, I looked over towards where she must be walking, and she was looking, too. So … what? What does on do? Do I stop in my tracks, wave, and walk over some 150 m and start a conversations, along the lines of “I’m spending the evening by myself, until I’m going to the Louis CK show, would you like to have a drink with me?” I guess someone with balls could. Would. I didn’t. And I thought about this missed opportunity for the rest of the weekend. And then at the show, I arrived very early, and there was this woman whom I’d seen by herself in a restaurant across the street before, and when I arrived there wasn’t really anyone else in the rows where we were both sitting. She was sitting a little ways away, but I could have come up with some excuse to walk over and talk to her, and there was also a bit of eye contact. Well, again I didn’t.
I need to do something about these situations. I really do.
The show was fun. There were four supporting acts who all did their bits for about 5-7 minutes (which were not really convincing, mostly), and then Louis CK came on. And during his show (which went on for some 90 minutes, plus a little encore!) I finally understood what this is about. Not about out loud laughing, and a belly-ache from laughter. But rather about a man who presents an incredibly compelling mix of sheer racconteur’s storytelling talent, a very unique view of the world, a powerful stage presence, an accute political mind, and some very crude sexual observations (the last part is always the things I enjoy the least, just not my thing). But it was good to be there. It gave me new motivation to think about and work with a stage programme.
The next day, I did some more major hanging out and chilling, and then flew back to Berlin.
This past week, I had another online date, again to no avail, it ended with “we’ll be seeing each other” from her as she left. I finished my animation film, and now really need Drew to make the sounds for it. I am kind of pestering him about it … It’s a bit of a strange situation. I may be getting closer to buying an apartment, something nice is in reach. I went to Munich for a couple of days, for work. Which was ok. I may help a new start-up get off the ground, and even invest in it.
And I feel lonely these days. I have this strange mix of feelings and thoughts — on the one hand, I feel like I really need to dig into this new world of artistic expression that I am now building for myself, and figure out how to make that work for me. And then within this world, I will find a likeminded person, someone who will really help me have a complete and good life. But I have absolutely no patience for that, and just keep clicking through Tinder, and hoping for something exciting to happen NOW. Tinder is really weird, out of the matches I get (and I get very few), only about 20% even bother to write back to me. I don’t understand why people right-swipe but then don’t want to answer?
I’m going to my therapist next week, hoping she can help me get my chin up a little higher.