An Overall Sense of Unease and Worry.

It’s Satuday afternoon, I’m sitting on the sofa in the small apartment that I am renting from Drew. Yesterday, we finally finished my first animated cartoon, I had done the sound myself, but he helped me mix and master it. I’ll start sending it around and publishing it next week. I think the end result turned out quite well.

Tomorrow, I’ll see her again. It will be the third time now. She was away for a while, but before her trip we met once more, for another dinner (at which she had a pretty bad cold). After that, we returned to the more slowly paced email communication, even though, in part, we’ve also moved to communicating on WhatsApp, and now I’m unhappy again because she hasn’t answered my latest message(s) from last night. I also sent her the link to my film (with a password), hoping she’d look at it and tell me what she thinks. But she hasn’t even opened the message. I am not good at this game.

She’s had an unexpected impact on my life also, because she’s very interested in fairly complex ideas about human cognition and quantum physics. I’ve not quite gotten the hang of what she is exactly interested in, or what her thoughts are, but I started reading some of the things related to what she’s been talking about, and I have already learned some quite interesting things about the debates concerning our systems of mental processing, and how they are different from (or not) computers.

What’s really been bothering me lately is that I’ve been having a weird taste in my mouth. Sounds a little strange, I thought at first that it would go away by itself, but when it didn’t after a number of weeks, I decided to go see doctors about it. Yesterday I went to a dentist, the day before to my general practitioner. Both couldn’t really find anything. Not sure what it is. And it really has an impact on my life. When you constantly have a weird taste in your mouth, it really affects you, and it definitely also affects your eating, changing the taste of things.

What I am also still struggling with is an overall sense of unease and worry. It’s not really directed at anything in particular (even though I’ve had somewhat apocalyptical nightmares at least twice), it’s got to be a combination of loneliness, uncertainty about the way my life should be going, and anguish at everything that is breaking around the world. I read yesterday morning that experts predict that we’ll have externimated two thirds of all wildlife by 2010. I am not sure how to just go on living, knowing this kind of thing. It’s just absolutely dreadful to be thinking about things like that. And what can I do about it? Travel to the jungle and single-handedly kill poachers? Going back to Normal still has not yet been accomplished, I think. That’s also due to my uncertainty about finding a home here in the city. I have found an apartment that I really want (and many that I don’t), but there are some legal issues, and the owners are a little complicated, and so there is no telling if or when this will ever happen. And everything else I am seeing is pretty crappy. It’s not fun.

I wish I was nearly as happy as my life is well. I have no concerns or worries. Yet I am not happy.

And I wish I’d stop thinking that she isn’t answering my message because last night she fell for some guy she’s just met, and because she thinks I’ll just be a very good friend.

I’ll go running now. I hope I’ll be a bit more cheerful after that.

 

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About The Outer Rim

I am trying to remember my life. By posting about it. Starting January first 2011.
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