The title refers to the Date. In the past days, there were a couple more (long!) encounters of various sorts with her, and while I was getting steadily more excited about the woman, I also got increasingly frustrated with the whole thing. We had this incredible connection, yet at the same time she always kept her distance, very thoroughly. Yesterday it got to the point where I just had to say something, and mentioned that I was a little confused by what was going on between us. I soon thereafter heard the oh so familiar words “I was thinking of this as a friendship”, and “You want something I cannot give you.”
On the one hand, this is really horrible, because it is amazing how much we shared, and how we could spark off one another. And because it’s such an awful time-travel back to my school and early university days, and to those traumas with girls then. It seems like I haven’t learned anything. Why is there this pattern that when I find someone who seems absolutely perfect, that I then get into a connection with the person which is somehow destined to not become a relationship? Is there something I am doing wrong? I don’t understand. I really don’t, still today at 44 I don’t. And that really scares me. Am I just becoming unsexy when I really like someone? How can it then ever work out with the right person?
At the same time, it’s really good that I no longer need to think about it. My brain was blocked and occupied by thinking about this, and now I feel free again. My work actually suffered because of it as well. And also, I am beginning to think that this is not an issue with me, but maybe more with her. She’s 43, she’s really beautiful and incredibly smart, and I would think that men have always, and still are beating down her door. Why can she not find someone to be with? Does she have issues with connecting with people, letting her guard down? Does it scare her how well we connected?
I don’t know. And I don’t want to think about it anymore.
Last night I then ended up having a date with someone else, someone I had been writing with for a couple of weeks, originally from a dating website. It was new and fresh, and not as exciting as the other person, but still worth pursuing, I think.