The Rollercoaster Keeps On Keeping On.

My last text here had quite a serene feel to it. But since then, I have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster ride once more. A couple weeks after publishing it, I actually wrote a kind of “personal crisis text” on one of my other blogs. It felt like all was becoming a bit too much. In the text, I attributed it to the fact that I have basically chosen to open myself to everything that’s going wrong in the world. And once you do that, you’re essentially bombarding your brain with disaster. There is just so much to be upset about, and so much to worry about, that you essentially end up with a feeling of utter helplessness. There are so many (good!) texts on the web that you can read every day, which talk about pollution, outrageous political decisions, incredible foolishness, greed, basically insanity on a planetary level. And it’s incredibly easy to succumb to all that.

I think there was a lot of truth to that, and I think that does contribute to the way I felt. But there were two specific issues that drove my anxiety and helplessness more than anything else. One, the election in France. The prospect of having this idiotic woman dismantling the European Union was just too much to bear. I am not saying that Macron will save the world, I have quite some doubts about that, but still, I felt a huge relief when the results came in. Two, a very personal project: I am still looking for an apartment to buy, and there is one that is basically earmarked for me, it’s currently under construction, it’s the top floor of a building, they’re turning it into apartments, the guy who is building the project is really nice, and down to earth, and he’s very accommodating about my personal ideas for the space. But he ran into some issues regarding clearance for the project, and had to go hunting for signatures of other owners in the house, and so a few doubts were cast on the project. So I started looking around again, and quite surprisingly another place in quite a cool location, with a remarkable terrace on the rooftop, and 360° view, became available, and all of a sudden there was a lot of stress, and the need to take decisions, and my parents and a friend of theirs came to town, to help me look at it, and I was suddenly under a lot of pressure to make a 600,000 EUR decision – for the new spot, and against the other one, which I described above. And being in this kind of limbo, having to make a decision, with incomplete information, and under pressure, just really messed with me. I finally decided against the new offer that came up, and I am sticking with the older project. Last week, we went to visit that as well, and it really feels like I made the right choice.

So after these two issues were resolved, I finally managed to catch my breath. Also, I am experimenting with changing my schedule around some, and reorganizing my days. Currently, all my weeknights and all my weekends are busy with stuff, and that’s a bit much as well. But in part that’s also due to the fact that I’m really getting into Improv Theater lately, and that takes up an increasing amount of my time now. It’s just a really good way to both hang out with cool people, and spend your time in a very creative way. And there are various projects developing around the Improv crowd I am hanging out with – with a little team I am working on this comedy short film, I am trying to form a little Improv team myself, there are other film ideas, etc., it’s really nice. I am realizing that I am now doing what I had been wanting to do way back when I (erroneously?) decided to go into business studies: hang with artsy people and develop creative media projects.

The way I do my work is still a bit of a puzzle for me. I am often not sure if I’m on the right track with my projects, and whether I know what I am doing, and if this will ever make any money. But I think I just have to keep pushing and figure things out as I go.

Other smaller stuff includes the fact that I decided to sell my electric motorbike. It’s still in Munich, where I had it repaired, and just as they were supposed to send it up here with a freighter, I felt like it’ll just be a hassle and something else to take care of. So I told them to put it up for sale. And then I went on another online date, and again, it’s like they often are: “nice”. But now what? Also, I went on a trip to Brussels a couple weeks ago, to go see a show that I was interested in, and to stay with an old friend. My parents are doing very well, my father is helping me so much with the changes we’re making to the country house, I am incredibly grateful for that. They also came to visit me for the first time here at my new flatshare, and we had a very nice dinner with them, and with one of my flatmates. I cooked for them, actually for the first time ever, maybe, and I think everyone quite enjoyed it.


About The Outer Rim

I am trying to remember my life. By posting about it. Starting January first 2011.
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