I have a very tough weekend behind me – emotionally tough. I went to see my parents and keep working on the project in the little country house. And we all were, all three of us, in really bad shape. It began with my mother giving me a call while I was on the way there, and on the phone it became clear that she had another depressive episode, she was crying, and at some point she said something so outrageous that I started screaming — literally screaming — on the phone, and we had to finally end the conversation like that. It’s a pattern now, when my mother calls me in a severely depressed state, I literally flip and cannot handle it. Well, I went straight to the little house and started working there, but the emotional distress that I’ve been going through again lately had come back (I’d watched the film Tomorrow the night before, and this thought that we only have 40 years left as a species on this planet was just badly messing with me). So when my father came over to the little house to check in on me, I was not in a good state of mind, mentally speaking, and so we quibbled a little, and had little arguments, and they turned into a really nasty full-blown fight by the end of that day, after we’d both gone home for dinner. The next morning, everyone was depressed.
But we salvaged the situation somehow, and calmed the waters, and got over it.
And then later in the afternoon, as I was thinking about all of this, I realized something: in order to function in this life, we as humans have to do two things – we have to search meaning, and we have to make meaning. Searching meaning is basically all about trying to find your place in the universe. And that, I think, is incredibly tough for me these days, because of all the disaster that I am observing, and that I feel helplessly confronted with. And if this is all the meaning you can occupy yourself with, it definitely becomes overwhelming. So in order to counterbalance this, we must make meaning. That is seeing meaning in the little things – not thinking about your role in the universe, but finding meaning in the smallest things, and in the smallest interactions, and in a laugh that I can share with my parents, and in a happy breath of fresh air, in a flower, in a nice note from a friend, and in a cup of tea.
One without the other makes you crazy, the other without the one makes you myopic and naive. We need both.
I will try to remember this.
Today I had a good day, I ran a workshop with a small company that I know, they are friends, I was trying to help them figure out how they could develop their business. It was something I hadn’t done in a long time, and it was really fun, and produced a helpful outcome for them, I think.
It’s really warm in Berlin these days.