The One Thing that Remains Is Change.

Last time I wrote, my title already said that everything is different. And again, after a month and a half later, it keeps on feeling like that. The most radical change may be that I have finally moved into my own apartment. It got finished at the end of March, so there was a bit of organising and moving to do. Overall, the task was not too monumental, because I had only a few belongings really at the shared flat where I had lived for 15 months, some other stuff was in storage, and many of the things that may tend to collect dust or aren’t needed in my everyday life are already stored away at the little country house. And the moving company gathered what was here in storage and in the flatshare, and brought it to my new place.

And Nana was incredibly kind and incredibly sweet, and she came over and helped me sort my stuff and unpack everything, for a whole day. That was so nice of her. She is just the best person.

Just when I got there and the dust had settled, I only realised how much furniture was still missing. I don’t want my place to be crammed with stuff, but I don’t really have any proper furniture left at all, so I had to start on a mission to find new things. This time, I wanted to avoid the old Ikea staple — I have spent most of my adult life living in Ikea-equipped places, and so I felt like it was time to do things differently. What I had to learn: The advantage of Ikea over other (much more expensive) places is that Ikea is not only much cheaper. They also provide instant gratification — you buy your stuff, schlep it home, set it up, and you have your furniture. If you go to more up-market places, they’ll tell you that the object you just found and would like to purchase can get delivered in 6-8 weeks. So there. Still haven’t bought anything at Ikea yet, but am still also waiting for quite a bunch of furniture.

Getting the kitchen was an adventure all unto its own, I switched providers, and the new kitchen came with its own set of complications — but I ended up with a kitchen that I really like, and that really fits nicely into the apartment. If the new stove does get delivered today, the way it was announced, I will actually have a fully functioning kitchen today.

Our projects are advancing, slowly but surely. Last week, we went on our second shoot to Italy. It wasn’t quite as intense as the last time around, but none the less stressful. The stress isn’t physical, as in “oh my god, we have to run to get to things in time”, but rather psychological: are we filming what needs to be filmed, are we thinking the right thoughts in terms of storytelling, are we clear on what we need to accomplish? Also I am realising again that Ian is as much a beginner in all of this as I am, and sometimes he lacks the presence of mind and/or the clarity of vision that a proper documentary cameraman would have. But that’s exactly why we can do this together — we are learning together.

The week before last was pretty crazy. We had four deadlines that week: One, on Tuesday night, there was a little internal presentation at the agency where we have our desks, and we wanted to present (among other things) the short film that we’ve been working on for over a year now. The key requirement was that Ian would get the music done which him and a friend of his had been working on for weeks. But I could tell that he didn’t want to, or couldn’t, or whatever else it was … and I was getting a bit frustrated with him. What finally did the trick was that I realised that we had to work together on stuff, particularly on the stuff where he gets stuck, because he doesn’t necessarily have the conceptual strength and the vision to see where projects need to go. So I helped him get unstuck, and we moved forward. I was still disappointed that the result wasn’t quite what I hoped it would be, in terms of level of “finished work”, but at least we could show it at the evening. The next day, Maik and I had a one-day workshop with a big foundation that will hopefully support our work with the anti-climate show, and that went very well. It was actually really fun. Ian was in the studio that day, recording with his band. And after that, we had two days to cut a trailer from our documentary material, because Lynn needed it for a big chance to apply for funding for our film. Getting that trailer done wasn’t easy, but we did it — pretty much in time before we had to go traveling to Italy, for that week of shooting there.

Generally speaking, I have a lot to learn still about how to manage someone like Ian in the daily context of our work. At times, I have been really frustrated with him. And there are other times when I am jealous of him and his social skills, and the many friends and dates and things he has going on. I think I just need to realise that I am a lot older, at a different lifestage, and a different person from him. And that I need to properly think about how to best manage an arty/musician personality like him in the context of a company.

Overall, my sense of doom and despair has lessened. I am not sure why, and I worry that it may come back — but maybe it’s just that I am clearly doing my best to have an impact, and make a change, and I see other people do the same, so what else is there to do? And the fact that summer is coming back and bringing light and life to the city is also very helpful. The new part of town I live in is really nice, too, it helps me feel more balanced and more at ease. I just wish I was further ahead with getting my place done. I don’t quite know how to get lights, and, once I have them, how to get them up — whom to ask for help. Dating? Nothing. I am dabbling with Tinder again, but it’s not helping any … few matches, and when there is a match, there’s never ever a meeting. Sometimes not even a conversation. And in the world, I am not really meeting interesting people. One exception was actually in Italy — I met someone there while we worked, it was a very brief encounter, I got her email address later, and asked her if she might want to have dinner with me one day. She answered to tell her when I am back so we can meet. Today she added me on Facebook. Yeah, so … the slim chances that there are (if that’s even a chance) are in far away places …

On Saturday, we are helping Brandon and Mercer put on their show. It doesn’t look like it’s going to be a success, and it doesn’t feel like the project we had been meaning to set out to do at the beginning of the year. Now we just have to muscle through …

About The Outer Rim

I am trying to remember my life. By posting about it. Starting January first 2011.
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