Well yes, it is. On two levels. The first I’ll explain at the top of this post, the second at the bottom of it.
After the little “project” with Lane didn’t pan out — the interest from there seemed to quickly subside, under the impression of her everyday realities — I resigned back to thinking that I just need this endless amount of patience until one day, maybe, I shall miraculously meet that person who I can be with. And increasingly that was just getting to me. Because from a statistical point of view, that’s just very improbable. One thing seems to be getting clearer now: I like a very special kind of person enough to want to be with her, and the likelihood of that person to want to be with me is never really high. So by strictly looking at the odds, it’s clear that I need to do is meet/date lots of women, so I can ultimately find someone with whom the same thing happens that happened with Lane. Except, this time she lives here, and she’s single. But my reality is that I am meeting/dating no one. So my odds are slim, to say the least. Friends will still tell you comforting stuff about “it” happening when you “expect it the least”, or that there’s “a lid for every pot”, or whatever else people say to cheer you up. But looking at it rationally, I need to actively do something about it. And I wasn’t.
And then finally, I went back to the little family country house on the weekend after my birthday, with a friend. We stayed only a night, and hung out, and watched movies, and chilled. And it was incredibly nice to be in that space, and not alone with my thoughts. I really loved the way it felt to be able to share the house and spend some time there together with another human being. When we ended that trip and I got back to my home, I realised: My loneliness is real and it’s doing something bad to my life. I need to do something — I thought I could or had to wait for things to happen, but by doing that, I was simply depriving myself of happiness. It is true that you should be able to be content on your own, and I think I have gotten reasonably good at that. But I think it also makes sense to try and do something about loneliness.
So I came up with various ideas on what I could do — planning a trip, joining a club, forming a band, doing a number of things, and, yes, giving online dating one last try. I was convinced that online dating was simply not a good idea for me, so many attempts had failed, and left me sadder and even more lonely, and so I’d really given up on that. But then the weirdest thing happened: A dating platform that I had used over a year ago all of a sudden started working for me. They had tweaked the platform, I downloaded the app rather than using the website, I finally paid for the service in order to have all the features available, and suddenly, within two to three days of reactivating my account, I had two dates! Both with interesting women, one of whom I’d probably like to see again, and might, if she answers after a longer silence of mine (due to traveling, etc.). Tonight I have another date, I spoke several times on the phone with a woman who seems very interesting (not sure if that will go on, she seems a bit flaky at times), and on Monday I may yet have another date. It’s rather remarkable. I cannot say what the reason for this is, whether it has to do with me being a different, more settled person, whether it has to do with the way the platform now works, or with the fact that I am paying for it, or all of the above. But it does feel a little like a new world, at least in terms of my experience with online dating.
What else has been going on? Our film project has kept us on our toes — we are getting very good feedback from very different people, I am convinced: We are onto the right thing with what we are trying to do. I am realising at the same time that our ambition is high, and the task of telling a truly engaging story with this subject and material is challenging, but I think we will get there, with patient continued hard work and focus. Last week, we spent a day in Edinburgh to meet up with some of our protagonists there, and we also went to London, to meet a musician who will work on our film. A dutch film maker friend came to visit me, I’m one of the protagonists in his film, he spent a weekend here, and I helped him shoot some material for his film. On my birthday, I was once more (like last year) at this summer school week on economics, where I had gone last year already, and which really was the starting point for our film. This time around we went to film, and it was really good to be there, we got some really inspiring interviews out of it. And finally, our show project that was pretty much hibernating since last autumn, now has reawakened, and we are developing new stuff for it, and it is moving forward. None of this is making me any money (for now), but I am surprisingly unconcerned by that — the financial side will sort itself out, eventually.
And then there is another thing that makes this a new world. A summer in Europe that makes climate change palpable. Endless sunshine. Temperatures up to 37° Celsius. No end to the blue skies. Burning forests across the northern hemisphere. I did not think that a sunny summer could take on such a depressing, oppressing, violent feel to it. Anyone who is only remotely interested in the fate of our planet and our species must feel this, and must feel prompted into action by it. Yet so little is happening. Politics as bullshitty as usual. No outcry. No determined action. Just the steady slog of same old same old. Well, I am trying to do my share. Both the film project (a little more indirectly), and the show project (full on directly) are driven by and about climate change, and what to do about it. And I have the impression that this will stay with me until the end of my days. And we may (very likely) still fuck it all up tremendously because the powers at be are too [words fail me to properly address/name them] to yield to what needs to happen now.
Let’s keep our hopes up. What else can we do?