And things are better. I don’t think about F all the time anymore. I have made much progress moving on. Sometimes, she’s in my thoughts again, and there’s pain and anger and sadness. But I get over these spells.
The only thing that remains evasive: a good night’s sleep. Can’t get it. I always wake up after about five hours, and then have trouble sleeping again. That’s really hard because if there was one thing I used to be able to count on, it was that I could always sleep, no matter what. I take a lot of energy from my (usually) good night’s sleep.
And the fact that that’s still disrupted shows that the thing with F ran deep.
Online dating plays a big part in helping me these days, though. I haven’t met anyone new yet. And I secretly wonder if I should — yet. But it distracts me and slightly relieves my pain point of “I’m never going to meet anyone again”. But it’s becoming a bit of an obsession as well. Constantly checking the phone — did someone answer, did someone respond? I have actually managed to organise four dates this week! One would have been tonight, but the woman had to cancel — she’s ill, we postponed to Sunday. There’s three more on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
Last night, I spoke to a woman on the phone who I think may be the most interesting of them all, even though I don’t have a date with her yet. Someone with a kind of quiet strength. Someone who uses interesting words to describe things. Someone with a mind of her own. And who is, according to the two photos I’ve seen, very pretty. We had a conversation for about an hour. And I remain intrigued. After the call, I had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time. I hope to talk to her again this week. Not sure when I will meet her in person.
Ian and I spent the last week in Rome again. Our last long trip there, to shoot for our film. Rather than staying with the people we used to stay with, we now stayed with other friends, Sara and Alberto. Sara is the personal assistant of our protagonist in Rome, and they were super sweet to put us up. We got some more great material also, and I am convinced that we now have the stuff we need to make this film. We will of course need to shoot additional material — but now we have covered the main parts: the lives of our protagonists over the course of a year. The only thing that bothered me was my lack of sleep again this past week — it did have an impact on my wellbeing during the day. I was not quite myself.
With Ian, things went very well. He’s very much in love with his new girl-friend (he found her through Tinder), and he’s always on the phone with her, either whatsapping, or calling — which is sometimes bothering me, because of what just happened to me. But that’s not his fault, so I’m keeping my mouth shut. And the collaboration is really moving in the right direction, and I am very glad to have him as my “partner in crime”.
On the way back from Rome, the car (the car) broke down north of Munich. It couldn’t supercharge anymore, so we had to leave it and switch to a rental. It worked out ok, we made it back all right. And today I found out that the damage will be covered by the guarantee, still. So all’s good.
One more thing that’s noteworthy: On Friday a week ago, I had an appointment. With an escort. In other words, with a hooker. It was supposed to happen between 5 and 9 pm, the afternoon/evening before we were going on our Rome trip. And it would have been quite expensive, for my taste. But it also felt right to pay that kind of money for that kind of thing. I thought this might be a way of erasing most of my memory of the last sexual encounter with F, or rather: overwriting it. I was curious if I would be able to have sex with a woman whom I would meet — and pay — for only that purpose. And I had mixed feelings about it until the very end. And then it didn’t happen: On the website, you have to enter a hotel and room number where you’re staying and where you’re meeting her, and also provide your check-in time. I gave fake information because I thought I live here, so why do I need a room in a hotel? But the website administrators actually checked up on this and then called me and asked about my check-in. When I said I’d given wrong information and have no room because I live here, the guy checked back with her (they’re the clearing house, so to speak), and then got back to me to say that she wouldn’t go to a private home, and that hotels provide the women a measure of security. I understood, and I actually appreciated the mechanism and that they do it this way. But that way, the encounter was cancelled.
And I don’t think I’m going to try again. It just didn’t feel right in the end. On the one hand, I was disappointed. On the other, somewhat relieved. I think I am just not the person who does that kind of thing.