Another One Bites the Dust.

The title refers to the Date. In the past days, there were a couple more (long!) encounters of various sorts with her, and while I was getting steadily more excited about the woman, I also got increasingly frustrated with the whole thing. We had this incredible connection, yet at the same time she always kept her distance, very thoroughly. Yesterday it got to the point where I just had to say something, and mentioned that I was a little confused by what was going on between us. I soon thereafter heard the oh so familiar words “I was thinking of this as a friendship”, and “You want something I cannot give you.”

Blah-di-blah.

On the one hand, this is really horrible, because it is amazing how much we shared, and how we could spark off one another. And because it’s such an awful time-travel back to my school and early university days, and to those traumas with girls then. It seems like I haven’t learned anything. Why is there this pattern that when I find someone who seems absolutely perfect, that I then get into a connection with the person which is somehow destined to not become a relationship? Is there something I am doing wrong? I don’t understand. I really don’t, still today at 44 I don’t. And that really scares me. Am I just becoming unsexy when I really like someone? How can it then ever work out with the right person?

At the same time, it’s really good that I no longer need to think about it. My brain was blocked and occupied by thinking about this, and now I feel free again. My work actually suffered because of it as well. And also, I am beginning to think that this is not an issue with me, but maybe more with her. She’s 43, she’s really beautiful and incredibly smart, and I would think that men have always, and still are beating down her door. Why can she not find someone to be with? Does she have issues with connecting with people, letting her guard down? Does it scare her how well we connected?

I don’t know. And I don’t want to think about it anymore.

Last night I then ended up having a date with someone else, someone I had been writing with for a couple of weeks, originally from a dating website. It was new and fresh, and not as exciting as the other person, but still worth pursuing, I think.

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The Date.

I hinted at this towards the end of my last post. We’ve had three dates so far. And each one was absolutely remarkable — in the way we were sharing, and talking, and scheming, and having political ideas, and even starting to experiment with a political project, and basically getting along with each other in absolutely remarkable ways. But at the same time, the whole thing feels a little soulless, or distant, she keeps her distance in ways that I don’t understand. And I am really clueless as to what to do next.

Other than that, Trump is now President. And how. I keep reading about Bannon and how they may ultimately want to basically overthrow the system, and have wars, and go all out. It’s scary as hell. And at the same time, Martin Schulz is the new candidate of the left in Germany. And there is hope.

And I am still talking to countless people, and having ideas, and working on my political projects, and meeting with my Improv friends, and living in my new shared flat, and on Tuesday I’ll do my first five minutes on an open-mic comedy stage.

Posted in Job, Politics, Relationship | Tagged , , , , ,

Movement.

fuckingfree

There is movement. Yesterday, hundreds of thousands flooded US streets to demonstrate against Donald Trump (inaugurated the day before, giving a chilling speech that must have felt like a look into the abyss of a broken soul), and they were predominantly women, they were led by women. I went to a meeting on Friday, with people in Berlin who are planning to launch a new party that will bring solidarity and justice back into politics. I am meeting with lots of people these days. I am making new friends, I am talking to so many people about politics. So many are feeling the need to get engaged, to get involved. And I feel like I’m in the middle of it, because I literally have nothing else to do! There are times when I feel down and daunted, by the sheer monstrosity of what the backward looking fear-mongers and racist cowards are doing, saying, getting away with. But then again, there is hope. I think there is a lot of hope. We have let democracy slide for way too long. And now we’re realizing that it needs our help, our love, our contribution, our fight, our struggle.

Also, I moved. I’ve been living in my new home in a shared flat for two weeks now — my room is set up (courtesy of Ikea), I like my new home, and my flatmates are kind, and fun, and easy to get along with. This is really a good thing. Also, my Improv theatre group is meeting regularly again, and I am beginning to really enjoy that. Also, there’s a Scottish guy in the group, Brandon, he is a student, but he is very much focussing on developing a stand-up act, and we bond over that, and the other day I came to a bar where he was performing at an open mic. So that’s an interesting and fun new friendship. And finally, it seems like the project “buying a flat” has also come to a conclusion, I will most likely buy (98%) a part of a roof that’s being turned into flats, “my” place would be done by the end of the year (giving me still plenty of time to enjoy the flatshare until then). My father and a friend of his (who is a construction expert) came over here, to have a joint look at it, and they also thought it looked like a good deal. So that would be one major load off as well.

Over New Year’s, I went on a family vacation (rather extended family) to the Alps. A whole bunch of my relatives from the Western end of the country always go to this one house in the Italian Alps, jointly with a bunch of other friends who’ve been all going there for years now. I’d joined them once, many years ago, and this time I decided to join them again, because I want to strengthen my relationship with the family, and feel closer to people. And it was very good to spend the time with everyone. Unfortunately, the whole group got hijacked by a pretty vicious gastro-intestinal virus, and so many were ill for several days — myself included, I was out on New Year’s Eve and slowly recovering on New Year’s Day. And the few times I went skiing, I had issues with my feet again, I think I’d need special customized boots if I want to keep going skiing. But nonetheless, it was a good trip.

It’s Sunday, I will go running now, then I’ll do some more of my political reading. And then I have a date! (Well, I think it’s a date.) I met her at one of these political meetings in the past weeks, and today we’ll go for coffee, and maybe dinner, and I’m excited.

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After Sicily and Berlin: A Piece of Christmas Wisdom.

sicily

In early December, I went to Sicily for a week. It was a strange visit. Just days before, I had launched my new political project, so I was still all engrossed in it, in its consequences, in the feedback it was receiving, in what it means for my life. Also, my host K was a little strange — initially I had thought that something might happen between us, if only a fling, something for this holiday. But she ended up being strangely distant. Not sure why. She also had much less time for me than I thought she would. All in all, it was a weird week.

Then, during the two weeks between that trip and the Christmas break, I was constantly traveling, too. I went to Munich to take care of things, and go to my old company’s Christmas party. I also went to my parents, to work with my father on the new rooms in the country house. I went to see my cousin at the other end of the country. I also finally may have found an apartment that I can buy. And then as everyone was getting ready to go home for the holidays, the attack with that truck happened in Berlin. And I was mad. Not at the lunacy of the idiotic terrorist. There is no point in getting angry at people who want to make you angry. But angry at the media, and at how they’re playing the terrorists’ and the Right Wing Scare Mongerers’ (who are, of course, in cahoots with them) games. I complained about it on the web and got some surprisingly strong support.

These past days, over Christmas, I’ve been with my parents. And for the first time in many years, a lonely visit at my parents’ place for Christmas has not been a problem. I think I have made a breakthrough. I understand now that life is ultimately about one thing, and one thing only: it’s about our connections with other people. Nothing else. And so I can manage to celebrate my connection with my parents this Christmas. Nothing more, nothing less. Christmas used to make me sad because I felt like I was not bringing them what they could (and maybe should) expect from me: a family of my own, and children who enjoy the magic and the miracle of Christmas, like I used to. But this year, I am no longer thinking of that. Instead, I am realizing that my job is to be with them, and to enjoy that, and to make them see that I am enjoying that. That’s all.

This is a good thing. This is a good Christmas. Despite all the fear and idiocy in the world.

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A New Project.

I have a trajectory now. A plan. A purpose. A direction.

And that is such a good thing.

The Trump election really messed with me. Like it did with many people. And it did one thing in particular: it yanked me out of this idea that it will be fine if I just do my art stuff and try to be an artist kind of person, who makes his political statements in a more abstract kind of way.

First of all, that was not something that felt quite right to me anyways. And second, I knew that I had to be more political. And I didn’t feel comfortable not being as actively involved as I should be.

But that’s over now. The fight for our democracies has begun. And it’s not just right-wing populists who threaten to break them apart. It’s definitely the economic system that has spun out of control. The social divide seems to be the real issue.

I used to be completely ignorant about it. And I am going to change that. I have free time, boundless amounts. And I will use this free time to read, learn, understand. I will record my own mental development publically, on the web, and I will develop it further by building a public approach to presenting it, and going on a road-show next summer, in time for our national elections. I want to bring an educated discourse that people will actually enjoy and want to engage in to the streets, literally.

It’s tough. I used to shy away from all the hard political issues, the things I felt powerless about. Now I will need to attack them fully, frontally. I am still a little afraid. But I will do it.

Today I bought three new books. I am currently reading one, a second is already in the pipeline. Tomorrow I will start my new blog.

Other than that? I am sometimes very lonely. Online dating sucks massively. Women don’t answer, or they cancel dates at the last minute. I decided to just stop the bullshit. That’s just not for me. Fuckit.

But I am well, health-wise. That’s good news. I’ve been unwell for years, basically. So that is a good change.

Posted in Health, Job, Life, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

The Nightmare.

It came true.

America did it.

This past week, I have been losing sleep over this.

I am scared.

What is going on?

I hope people all around the world will finally realize and wake up to the fact that we need to FIGHT for our democracies. We must stop taking them for granted.

Many more personal things happened this past week, too. Nana came to town. Thanks to her, I found a new home where I’ll live from the end of the year onwards, in a shared flat with two women. I am looking forward to this, I am sure it will be interesting. And I like that I will no longer be alone all the time.

Also, the story with the French woman ended. We had a coffee where I asked some questions, and it became quite clear that she’s just not that interested. And that was a good thing. First I felt sad, but then relieved afterwards.

My friend Steve recommended that I travel a bit, to get away from the sadness and the Berlin winter. And so I spontaneously booked a flight to Sicily, to go see K there as well. She has often invited me to stay at her place, now I took her up on it. I’ll bring my drawing computer, and I’ll stay for a week.

This past week, I was almost going to buy my dream flat, in a fairly complicated transaction that would take way too much time to explain here, but then that deal fell through, the background of which would also take too much time to explain.

And that was one reason that prompted me to find a new home, spontaneously.

I published my first animated cartoon a little over a week ago. So far, it has received 1,500 views. Not so bad. But, I’ll be honest, I am also a little disappointed. I was hoping for more.

I am healthy again, I think. The bad taste in my mouth that had been plagueing my for quite some time went away as quickly as it had come. That’s good news.

I am trying to help some refugee support initiatives, but I cannot quite get the momentum going. But I’ll keep at it.

And what does all of this matter if Trump starts practicing isolationism, Putin starts invading in Baltic countries, Le Pen wins the election in France, and we end up with war in Europe?

Like I said: I am scared.

Posted in Film, Friendship, Politics, Relationship, Travel | Tagged , , , , , ,

An Overall Sense of Unease and Worry.

It’s Satuday afternoon, I’m sitting on the sofa in the small apartment that I am renting from Drew. Yesterday, we finally finished my first animated cartoon, I had done the sound myself, but he helped me mix and master it. I’ll start sending it around and publishing it next week. I think the end result turned out quite well.

Tomorrow, I’ll see her again. It will be the third time now. She was away for a while, but before her trip we met once more, for another dinner (at which she had a pretty bad cold). After that, we returned to the more slowly paced email communication, even though, in part, we’ve also moved to communicating on WhatsApp, and now I’m unhappy again because she hasn’t answered my latest message(s) from last night. I also sent her the link to my film (with a password), hoping she’d look at it and tell me what she thinks. But she hasn’t even opened the message. I am not good at this game.

She’s had an unexpected impact on my life also, because she’s very interested in fairly complex ideas about human cognition and quantum physics. I’ve not quite gotten the hang of what she is exactly interested in, or what her thoughts are, but I started reading some of the things related to what she’s been talking about, and I have already learned some quite interesting things about the debates concerning our systems of mental processing, and how they are different from (or not) computers.

What’s really been bothering me lately is that I’ve been having a weird taste in my mouth. Sounds a little strange, I thought at first that it would go away by itself, but when it didn’t after a number of weeks, I decided to go see doctors about it. Yesterday I went to a dentist, the day before to my general practitioner. Both couldn’t really find anything. Not sure what it is. And it really has an impact on my life. When you constantly have a weird taste in your mouth, it really affects you, and it definitely also affects your eating, changing the taste of things.

What I am also still struggling with is an overall sense of unease and worry. It’s not really directed at anything in particular (even though I’ve had somewhat apocalyptical nightmares at least twice), it’s got to be a combination of loneliness, uncertainty about the way my life should be going, and anguish at everything that is breaking around the world. I read yesterday morning that experts predict that we’ll have externimated two thirds of all wildlife by 2010. I am not sure how to just go on living, knowing this kind of thing. It’s just absolutely dreadful to be thinking about things like that. And what can I do about it? Travel to the jungle and single-handedly kill poachers? Going back to Normal still has not yet been accomplished, I think. That’s also due to my uncertainty about finding a home here in the city. I have found an apartment that I really want (and many that I don’t), but there are some legal issues, and the owners are a little complicated, and so there is no telling if or when this will ever happen. And everything else I am seeing is pretty crappy. It’s not fun.

I wish I was nearly as happy as my life is well. I have no concerns or worries. Yet I am not happy.

And I wish I’d stop thinking that she isn’t answering my message because last night she fell for some guy she’s just met, and because she thinks I’ll just be a very good friend.

I’ll go running now. I hope I’ll be a bit more cheerful after that.

 

Posted in Film, Health, Relationship | Tagged , , , , , , ,