B freaked out again the weekend before last. It was all triggered by a photobook that I had made from our Cuba trip, which had a photo in it she just couldn’t stomach, and that somehow came up in our discussion, and we had an evening on Saturday that ended with us separating by saying that it needs to be up to her how things develop from here. Again.
I have been suffering since then. I mean, I was already not super-happy before, but now it’s bad. I just don’t have the patience. And I realised something important when I talked about this to my parents, actually, this past weekend: there are two selves of mine. There is the self-confident me who says “you’re a cool guy, and things will be okay.” And then there is a worm-type little vermin inside myself that is scared and insecure and weak and has absolutely no self-confidence, that keeps wanting to come out and cry and beg and ask B to come back this instant, and make things a lot lot worse. That vermin makes my life miserable. And it makes me hard to bear in relationships. And I need to get rid of it. To make it short: I think I’ll try to find a therapist. I owe that to myself. And to B as well, I think.
So I haven’t been good these last days. Not good.
More things happened. The good news is that my parents are much better. They seem to have made it through their financial crisis. And they were really different when I saw them last weekend. More level-headed, more their old selves. That was so good to see.
Also, I brought up the fact that I need to change my professional life with a colleague of mine, our CEO. I had been discussing my dreams, needs and plans only with friends so far, but now I wanted to go one step further and take it to the people I need to make it real with. The conversation was good, even though it didn’t really help me understand what the best next steps are. I am still in the middle of the thinking process.
Sunday a week ago (right after that evening with B), I wrote my first English short story. I was really inspired by Stephen King’s “On Writing,” and it just came out, sort of. I’m very happy with it, and it inspires me to do more writing. Maybe even focus much more on writing in my sabbatical (if I ever take that).